The day I stopped dreaming
by x-Athenea-x
Summary: My take on what happened after the ending of "Cyberwoman".
1. Chapter 1

Note: Hello there. Thank you so much for reading. As mentioned in the summary, this is my take on what happened right after the ending of "Cyberwoman", where we find a distressed Ianto lying next to his dead Lisa. This begins with how Ianto got home but will develop into a different story, hopefully consisting of 5 chapters. All in Ianto's pov.

Also, this is another one of my "Thought" stories, where i describe whatever is going on inside a character's mind. So, whatever is written is bold italics, are Ianto's thoughts. Written as a part of a bedtime story but because it turned out so big, i've decided to post it as a seperate story.

Reviews are always very much welcome.

Disclaimer: Don't own Torchwood. They belong to the BBC, lucky bastards.

* * *

Ianto crumbled up a piece of paper and shoved it in his pockets. A little note from one lover to another, the words buried deep inside his heart. No one needed to know what it was, no one needed to see it. They had seen enough. His endless lies had finally been discovered and revealed the terrible secret he had been hiding. He sighed in despair as he left the morgue. He felt Owen's gun pressed to his back as the medic lead the archivist to the boss' office. The mood became tense as the team knew that Jack was brooding, contemplating Ianto's fate.

All the while, Ianto kept repeating the same poem over and over again, desperately trying to deny what had happened.

_**I can still smell your perfume, vanilla and peach**_

_**I can still hear you sing in the shower, a nightingale's song in the wind**_

_**I can still see you smile, your pearly white teeth shining through your lips **_

_**I can still feel you touch my cheek as you leant in and whispered three little words**_

_**I can still taste you on my lips, as I savor your lingering flavor **_

_**I breath and I ache**_

_**A desire to be with you, so strong it kills me**_

Ianto had refused Jack's offer to drive him home. Instead, he had just wandered around in the silent and dark city, wallowing in his misery. The small amount of people he crossed on the streets looked at him funny when they saw him weeping uncontrollably in a bloodstained suit. He hadn't even washed the blood off his hands or out of his hair. The moment he left the place that had become her grave, he stopped caring about anything. He didn't care when Jack had yelled at him, angrily pinned him against the wall and even suspended him. He just stared into distance, seemingly stuck in a catatonic state with sorrow and anguish as his only companion. He heard Jack screaming at him, he saw the look on his and his colleagues' faces. But somehow he just didn't register it. Like phantoms in the corner of your eye. He didn't care. As her life slipped from her metallic body, he had been crushed to the bone. He didn't even look surprised or relieved when he realized Jack wasn't going to execute him. Too numb to focus, too oblivious of something else beside his aching heart.

_**I hear muffled vowels far away, distant yelling. **__**I can hear your voice but I can't make out the words. I see your face and I see the anger. But I don't care. The only thing I do care about is gone. She lies broken in the morgue. All I've done, I've done for her. And despite my efforts, my endless lies, I have lost her. Do you know what it feels like to lose the one thing you've ever loved? **_

_**I'm numb. I can't feel anything but a scorching burning from within, freezing every other emotion. I feel your gun on my forehead and I plead for you to pull the trigger. I plead for you to make it stop. The burning, its smoldering heat blazing over my skin, is killing me. I can't make it stop and I can't make it go away. It's just there. And I stand overcome at your feet and I don't even beg for my life. Retcon, execution or worse, I don't care. Just make it stop.**__** What else is there to keep me here?**_

He wandered aimlessly through the streets of Cardiff. Every street, every bench and every stop sign seemed to hold a memory of her. And even every person he saw seemed to have a particular oddity that reminded him of Lisa. So time and time again, he broke down in tears. All the while, familiar footsteps secretively followed his every move twenty meters behind him, a long greatcoat billowing in the wind as the man strode carefully behind Ianto, making sure the distressed man wouldn't do something that compromised his safety.

_**I take a look at my hands and I shudder as I see the **__**dried blood. My girl's blood, mixed with my and your tears. How did it come to this? How did I end up hiding you in a terrible basement, with rats and mice crawling over your feet as you lie there injured? Why did I let this happen?**_

_**I see the bench where we shared our first kiss. I remember your beautiful brown eyes looking back at me with an undying trust that broke my heart. Before I gently pressed my lips against yours, I whispered. 'I'll be there for you … any way, any how'. I remember the smile that had crept on your lips as I spoke. My baby, It kills me that I broke the promise, my sweet princess. I tried and I have failed. I turned you and myself into a monster. I can't bare the heavy burden that rests on my shoulders. I can't bare the thought that your last months have been one struggle. I'm sorry, so sorry. **_

_**I wish I could hold you close to me one last time and just whisper that I love you, because I do. I love you and I miss you. That will never change.**_

_**I brush my fingers over the wood of the bench and it's like I can feel you again. I close my eyes and think of you. Lisa, my baby. I guess we will never have that little farm in the country, with tons of animals running around. With majestic fields for our kids to play in. My future and yours entwined. I've lost the dream the moment I've lost you. Without you, nothing is worth it.**_

_**I sealed my promise with a ring. And as I slid the ring of your cold finger, I may as well have died too. Nothing else matters. Nothing else exists. **_

The more Ianto walked, the heavier his legs got. Stumbling, he dragged his sore body across the pavement, barely lifting his feet. A tall and angry lookingman bumped into him, causing Ianto to fall on all fours. The man, dressed in black leather trousers and a blue top, cursed at him as he spilt his coffee all over his shirt and by the looks of him, he was ready to pop the young boy one. The man knelt down and hauled Ianto back to a standing position, angrily glaring at him.

_**Go on, give me a reason. As if I care if you punch me into the hospital. Just know I'll punch back. I've got nothing**__** to lose and even less to gain. **_

"Punch him and I'll make sure that spilt coffee is the least of your concern." a voice warned behind them.

The blond haired man heatedly glared at Jack but taking in the size and intensity of the Captain, the man wisely let go of Ianto.

_**YOU.**_

"Go home sir." Jack told the man. "He's had a rough night and the last thing he needs is someone having a go at him."

The man turned his attention back to Ianto and as he took in the state Ianto was in, the angry expression quickly faded. He looked sideways and gave Jack a polite nod. He walked away, unscaved but only because Jack had managed to keep his cool.

_**What on earth are you doing here? Haven't you done enough for one night? Are you here to kick me whilst I'm down?**_

"I don't need your fucking help." Ianto hissed through his teeth.

"No, because you are doing such a great job on your own." Jack countered sarcastically.

_**As if you cared. **_

Jack reached out his arm and tried to support Ianto, who was dangerously swaying on his legs.

Ianto pushed Jack off, causing his to stagger backwards.

_**Don't touch me, you're like poison. Everything you touch is doomed. Everything about you spells trouble. There is nothing I need from you and there is nothing I can give you. I'm empty and it's because of you. Why didn't you just give her a chance?**_

"Ianto …" Jack warned, eyes fierce and both hands clenched into fists.

"What? You want to strike me? By all means, Captain Jack Harkness." Ianto replied, bitterness shining through his words as he called out Jack's name. "By all means, have a go. You've already taken everything I had so you might as well finish me off. I'm surprised you haven't already! That is the only thing Torchwood is good at. Getting rid of anything that might piss you off."

"Ianto … you need to get home." Jack said, his voice lowered and more sympathetic. He was increasingly getting worried about the young man, noticing the way he held his body and slurred his words.

"Home?" Ianto laughingly asked. "Home! What a fucking concept. I haven't had a home ever since those monsters came from hell!"

_**Oh God the memories. Those heavy metallic footsteps. That robotic voice. Not a shred of pity or mercy. How is it that these creatures even exist? **_

_**My sweet princess … why did they chose you and not me? I'd be so willing to trade places to save you. I can't bare the thought that you turned into one of them. Not my sweet girl. The brightest shining star in my universe. The one that had shown so much compassion, respect and love towards so many, stripped from all that made her so beautiful. I blame myself for being so stupid, a coward even for not letting you go when you were still you. But I kept you alive and turned you into a monster, a killer. Oh God Lisa, you killed, because of me. I turned you into a killer. I turned myself into a killer. **_

_**I'm sorry, so sorry. **_

"Contrary to what youmight believe, Ianto. I am sorry for what you've gone through."

"Don't be fucking ridiculous! You're not sorry. You're just upset your petty little club got screwed over by the invisible butler! The fucking Tea-Boy misleading the great and all powerful Jack Harkness!"

_**Why did you never see it? See me? You could have stopped me, if you just had taken the time to see me. I walked around the hub with such a heavy burden and no one even noticed. No one even asked. Why didn't you Jack? **_

"Ianto … come on. You need to get some rest." Jack stated, ignoring Ianto's troubled ranting.

"Rest? You honestly think I'm able to sleep after what happened?" Ianto responded, fresh tears glistening behind his lashes.

_**How can I sleep whilst she isn't here anymore to keep me warm and safe? **__**How can I sleep with those images burnt into the back of my head? How can I sleep if I can still hear everyone screaming as their bodies caught fire? How Jack? HOW?**_

Jack searched for Ianto's eyes. He pulled up his chin and forced him into eye contact. "Come on, let's get you home. Out of the streets and out of the cold."

He cautiously approached Ianto again and when he didn't swat away his attempt, Jack ran his hand up and down Ianto's arm.

_**Don't …**_

"She's really gone." Ianto whimpered, unwilling to believe his own words.

_**My baby, come back to me. I can't do this without you. How am I suppose to move on? From you? The one thing that made sense. You, it's always been you. And now it's just me. Cold, alone and afraid. Lise, I need you. Come back.**_

"She's been gone for quite a while. You've lost her the day the Cybermen attacked her. You should realize that Ianto. Whatever happened today, that wasn't your girlfriend."

"She … would never kill someone. Not like that, so cold and so cruel. She isn't … wasn't like that." Ianto said, words sounding more like merge between a whimper and sob.

_**Did I lose her then? But she was there. She talked to me, she listened to me. She kissed me. How can it not be her? **_

"I know. I really do. Now, come on. Let's get moving."

_**Do you?**_

Jack supported Ianto as he walked him home, occasionally readjusting his grip on the man as Ianto's knees buckled.

_**This is too much. I can't … I just can't. **_

"How are you doing kid?" Jack hesitantly asked.

"Like I've just died." Ianto responded.

Jack closed his eyes and winced at the words. "You'll get through this."

"I doubt it, sir."


	2. Chapter 2

They both stood silently and awkwardly in front of Ianto's darkened apartment. Jack observed Ianto's conduct and was increasingly getting worried about the youngest member of his team. The trembling archivist still hadn't stopped sobbing, his shoulders shuddering with every ragged breath he took, and he looked so frail, lost and utterly destroyed. Ianto's professional mask had finally floundered.

Jack had often wondered what lay beneath his surface but not in a million years had he thought that his coffee boy was hiding so much grief and hurt. He never realized before that moment how young Ianto was. 23 was just a number. It had been long since he ventured in his twenties and he was ashamed to admit that he forgot what it felt like. The inexperience, the naivety and the heartache that every new occurrence could bring. With saddened eyes, he watched this young man crumble before him. The hurt and betrayal he had felt an hour ago diminished with every pained sniffle the boy let out and with every frightened tear that fell from those perfectly flawed blue eyes.

"Do you need me to stay with you tonight?" Jack asked, already foreseeing the answer.

"No fucking way. I can't even bare to look at you." Ianto growled.

_**How can you even ask me that? After what you did? You put a bullet in her head and you want to stay?**__** Do you really want to step inside our home? And how can you even care for me now? As much as I hate you, I realize you must feel the same way about me. I betrayed you in such a horrible way. And yet you're here. Why Harkness? What else do you want from me? **_

"Okay. Just know that I am there if you need me. No matter what you have done or how this story has played itself out, you need to know that."

_**Empty words Captain. You don't mean them, never have and you never will. Why didn't you care for me before? Now that I put an enemy in your basement, I'm worthy of your attention? How fucked up are you? Or is it that you feel guilty because you so easily took someone's life away and in the meantime crushed mine? Have you thought of that? Of how it would devastate me? Did you?**__** Did you even care when you instructed me to execute the one thing that kept me going after the battle of Canary Wharf? No, of course you didn't. You just saw a potential threat and figured it would be easier to get rid of her instead of trying to help. How do you live with yourself, Captain? You don't even deserve the title. You are as empty as I am. **_

He patted Ianto on the back, frowning as Ianto shivered to the touch. "I'll leave you to it then. Make sure you eat Ianto. And sleep."

_**Eat. Sleep. I need a drink, a stiff one. The mother of all drinks. Whatever helps to numb this. Anything. Please.**_

_**Sleep. And pray I never wake up. I pray I'll dwell in its darkness for eternity. I pray for sleep to take me to her. **_

Jack wanted to walk away but just couldn't. Not without a last attempt. "Are you sure you'd rather be alone?"

_**No. But if the other option is you, then yes. Any day of the week.**_

"I can't bare to look at you."

"I understand." Jack answered, his lips tightened. "At least let me call someone?"

"There is no one."

"What do you mean?" Jack asked.

"There is no one. Lisa was it. I haven't kept in touch with my friends before I moved to London. My family … only child, my father's gone and mother is …busy. There's no one."

_**Oh god … I'm all alone. There is no one anymore. How will I get through this on my own? **_

"I'm sure there is someone …"

"Even if there was, what would I say? My boss shot my robot-girlfriend because she tried to kill him? Or yes … maybe if I said that I not only betrayed my colleagues but also nearly killed them all because my girl was a loose cannon." Ianto sarcastically countered as he felt intense rage building up inside. "I'm SURE they all would be willing to come sit with me."

"Ianto please."

"Just go. Go back to the hole you call a home."

Jack sighed deeply. "One last thing. I need your Torchwood ID-card and gun."

Ianto shot him an angry look.

"I've suspended you. You can come back to work as soon as I see … improvement. And I'm not taking any chances. I need you to hand over any weapon you have on you and in your house."

Carelessly, he searched his pockets for his ID and flung it at him. "I've left my gun at the hub. In the basement. And I don't have a private gun."

_**That's a lie. I do have one. But I don't care.**_

_**I shiver as I hand over my ID. There it goes, everything I was and am. A Torchwood agent. **_

_**Now it's official. I have nothing left. No friends, no family, no girlfriend and no job. I have nothing. I am nothing.**_

Jack silently accepted the card and tucked it neatly in the pockets of his greatcoat. He rested his eyes on Ianto's tear-stained face and watched as a stream of tears relentlessly fought their way to his chin. He cupped the side of Ianto's face with his left hand and stroke his cheek with his thumb. "You'll get through this. I'm going to give you time to grieve her on your own but I'll come by in a couple of days to see how you're doing. If anything should happen, or you just need someone… don't hesitate to call. Be brave. Don't do anything I wouldn't."

_**How am I going to get through this sir? Exactly how am I suppose to get over this? **_

Ianto winced at the loss of contact as Jack withdrew his hand. No matter how much Ianto resented Jack, his soothing hand had offered a bit of comfort. But too proud and distressed, he let Jack walk away from him.

Ianto let out a silent cry as he watched the familiar stranger walk away. A part of him dreaded entering the flat on his own and wanted him to stay but the thought of spending more time than necessary in the presence of that man that so easily made his stomach turn.

_**I watched you walk away and I felt diseased. I need her but she isn't here. Will you do? No, you hurt her. And yet I can't bare to look away. Don't leave, please. I'll hate you so much but I need you, someone. Just to let me know that there's life out there. **_

_**I turn to look at my door of my house. A house but not a home. Four empty walls with a cold bed and a couch. Nothing to sooth this burdening pain. No one to hold me close. Nothing but emptiness and harshness. And this is where I have to stay on the worst day of my life. Alone. **_

Shakily he took out his keys and turned them in the lock. He walked into the hallway and the first thing he sees is her favorite pink coat. He let out a pained groan and broke down.

_**Lise… **_

He stumbled towards the living room, straight to his liquor cabinet. He grabbed the first thing he could find and he downed down the half empty bottle of Vodka. He spluttered and winced as the ice cold liquid burned it's way down to his stomach. He ignored the gagging sensation and didn't stop until he had savored every last drop.

_**Release me. Anything. Please, these thoughts are a torment. I can't bare to think them. I can't bare anything. I feel my body becoming numb, my mind clouded by the booze. Sweet release.**_

He threw the empty bottle on the floor, tumbling against the furniture as it fell. It splattered on the ground and burst into a thousand small speckles of glass.

Ianto let the alcohol do it's work and as he felt himself become drowsy and heavy, he slumped the ground. He leant up against the liquor cabinet and sat on the floor, shards of glass grazing his thighs as he lowered himself. He barely felt the pain, his senses numbing as alcohol poisoned his body and grief raided his mind. Slowly he closed his eyes and let his emotion run free. In the privacy of his own house, there was no one to comment on how much he cried or how loud he bawled.

There was no one.

_**Alone, drunk and hurt. Is this what I am? Is this my contribution? Betraying my friends and failin**__**g my girlfriend? Killing two innocent persons and hurting my friends? Is this really what I have become? Is this what I am? Is this it? **_

Quickly he had regressed into a drunken stupor, empty and tear-filled eyes staring into distance as his body lay impassively on the floor. The silence around him was unbearable. Every snivel or whimper resounded through the room, as if it was taunting him. He couldn't remember how long he stayed there, it could have been mere minutes or hours on end. Trivial things such a time were pushed aside and the only thing he could focus on was the raging mourning that overtook him with force. There was nothing left of him, besides a big yawning and festering open wound corrupting every tissue around it.

From the moment he had slumped into the ground, the silence enveloped him in a cold and uncomfortable blanket. He sat on the ground, eyes staring empty in front of him and limbs limp by his sides, and he thought about where it all had gone wrong. Not only with Lisa, but in his life.

_**When did I become him? **__**A man with sad and empty eyes that was blinded by love, rage, hatred and care. When did I realize that it had all gone to shit? When? Where? How? Who? What?**_

_**How did I end up here, on the floor grieving what had become of my love, without my friends and family? When did I lose them? When did they walk out of my life without me noticing it? And why? What have I done to deserve this pain? All my life, nothing but pain. Is a little happiness so much to ask for? Is this my punishment for something? Let me know bliss and then so cruelly take it away?**_

_**When did my life end?**_

_**And like a switch that turned on a light bulb, he knew the answer.**_

_**Torchwood London.**_

He sat there on the ground for hours on end, drowning in a drunken and depressed stupor. He didn't remember much afterwards. Not what he did, what or if he ate or even how he got to his bedroom.

The only thing he could remember was a wave of depression that had instantly hit him as soon as he had closed the door of the apartment behind him. An all consuming sadness and grief maddening the few thoughts he had. All he could do was silence the heavy voices in his head, drinking and terrifying himself with images of the battle, Lisa and Torchwood.

As everything became a blur, he faintly felt his unsteady hand grab a steel object. A gun. He cocked it and placed it roughly under his chin. He felt his fingers shiver as he tightened the grip on the trigger.

_**Sweet release. My baby, I'm coming for you. Hang on.**_

Suddenly his surroundings were getting hazy, as if he was being covered with a veil. He felt his heavy eyes flutter shut. When his wet eyes closed, a calming hand covered his own and gently took the gun away from him.


	3. Chapter 3

Two strong arms picked up and carried the unconscious Ianto to his bedroom. Gently, he laid down the young man on the king-size bed. He stroke Ianto's cheek, softly and lovingly, and sighed as he pondered about the recent hours. He wiped away dried tears off Ianto's shiny, bloodstained and pained face.

He had grown to like this boy, even love him. After all he did love each of his colleagues. But this one … was different. He had known from the start that they'd be close. And he genuinely thought they were. But never did he imagine what a terrible secret he held. Or that he would actually endanger himself and others. But then again, he never intended to hurt anyone. Just the fact that he had been so keen on saving one person showed how far this boy could go to take care of his loved ones.

**Oh Ianto. ****I just wish … I had noticed your pain. I could have helped you, my sweet boy. I could have made it easier. **

**But c****ould I really? The ending would have been the same… but the betrayal. That would have been different. I would be different. And so would your pain. And your guilt. **

Within seconds, he felt his eyes welling up and decided that he could not afford to lose his control. After all, he was not the victim in this. Even though he did suffer from what had happened, surely the one who was hurting the most was that sweet boy that laid passed out in front of him. He needed to be strong. For Ianto.

He glanced over the body beside him and winced as he saw dried blood all over his skin and clothes. He started undressing the young man, beginning by taking off the jacket of his suit then moving on to the tie, shoes, shirt and trousers. He worked quickly but carefully, hoping the young man would not wake up by the sudden movement.

When Ianto was laying on the bed in only his underwear and socks, the man took a closer look at his body. His fingers trailed swiftly over the raw skin and he noticed countless cuts and bruises, varying in size and gravity. Two big bruises caught his eye. One giant bump above his left eyebrow, caused by Lisa throwing him across the hub like a rag doll, and one nasty blue patch on his ribs.

The poor lamb must've broken a rib somewhere, the man bitterly thought. All by the woman he loved.

He shook his head in disbelief.

**How did it come to this? How could I not have seen that something so terrible was going on, right under my very nose? How did I not notice**** you, Ianto? **

**You've been there for me, every minute of every day. I just did not see it. **

**I'm sorry. So sorry. **

The man walked into the bathroom and filled up a bowl with tepid water. Hastily he grabbed a small towel. He exited the bathroom and was struck by a framed photograph. It was a large photo of Ianto and Lisa inside a golden frame. They were sitting down on the Plass, grinning at each other as they leant in for a kiss. On the glass in front of the photo there was one word written in golden ink. 'Forever'

His heart sank and the picture immediately reminded him of Ianto, forced to kneel down in front of him by his gun with his hands behind his head. 'I owe it to her. We owe it to her'

**He really did try to do everything to save her. Everything. Even if it meant putting your own life at risk. And others. **

He shook his head violently to hold off any tears that were threatening to come.

**As hard today has been, it doesn't even compare to what Ianto is going through, and will go through to.**** So don't you fucking dare cry in front of him. **

He sat down beside Ianto, careful not to brush against any bruises, started dipping the cloth in the warm water and brought it to Ianto's body, carefully clearing up all the nastiness. Ianto shivered every time the warm cloth touched his cold body, but he didn't wake up. Slowly the blood stains faded and Ianto's pale and worn skin was revealed. Shocked, the man winced at how skinny Ianto had become, barely resembling the man when they first met.

**Jeans, white top, studded belt, that necklace … my god you were beautiful. And look at you now.**

He dapped the cloth on the throbbing bump on Ianto's forehead. He hissed in anticipation and his breath hitched as Ianto groaned at the touch.

Two sleepy eyes flickered open. "Jack?" Ianto hoarsely said. "What…?"

"It's ok. Don't worry. You're safe. I'm just tending to your wounds." the Captain answered.

Ianto whimpered as a massive hangover started to built up. "Why are you here?" he asked, no longer with a fiery rage but more desperate. As if the sleep and alcohol had mellowed him. Or maybe the events of the previous day were starting to sink in properly.

"Did you really think I'd leave you alone? Now hush sweetheart and help me put your pijama's on." Jack answered, a bit harder than he would have wanted.

**Shit. The last thing the poor boy needs is me shooting my mouth off. I can't help it though. I know he's hurting. I know the punishment he'll put himself through will be enough but I just can't help it. What he did was just unacceptable. How could he do this? I've helped him so much and yet he stabbed me in the back. How could you Ianto?**

**Why didn't you trust me? Why didn't you come to me?**

Jack quickly grabbed the pj's and dressed Ianto, who here and there groaned and sobbed. He draped the duvet over him whilst softly soothing the man with small noises. Jack didn't notice a trembling hand reaching for his and as shaking fingers touched his, he locked eyes with Ianto. "Please stay for a while. At least until I fall asleep. I'm so scared to be alone tonight." Ianto whispered, terrified.

Jack walked over to the other side of the bed and lay down beside him. "Of course darling, you don't need to worry about anything tonight. I'll be here as long as you want me."

Ianto smiled a bit when he felt the bed dip under Jack's weight. Jack draped a comforting arm over Ianto and pulled him closer.

"Thank you," Ianto whispered. "I know you hate me."

"Shhht. I don't hate you. Get some sleep Ianto, it's been a long and rough day. For now, just get some rest." Jack replied as he soothingly ran his hand over Ianto's back. He felt Ianto snuggle closer, placing his head under his chin.

"It's ok darling. Don't be scared. I'll keep you safe." Jack whispered. He realized that Ianto was crying, as his collarbone soon felt wet.

"I'm sorry." Ianto managed to mumble.

"Shht. We'll talk about this another day. You've gone through enough for one night. Just let it out baby."

Ianto tightened his grip on Jack and held on to him. Jack felt him tremble and shake as all the stress and fear, aggravated by the alcohol, came pouring out of him.

"I'm horrible." Ianto muttered, silently but loud enough for Jack to understand.

"No you're not. Ianto. Don't say that."

"But I am. I hurt the people I love and I couldn't even save her."

"Ianto please. Don't do this to yourself."

"I killed two people Jack. And I so easily could have killed the team, you."

"Okay. You need to understand something. That thing inside your girlfriend was evil, not you nor Lisa. That thing killed those people and nearly killed you. Not you, nor Lisa. Understand?"

"I put her there…"

"Hey … come on. You thought she was human. And your girl. The cyberman tricked you sweetheart. The only thing you are to blame for is that you didn't trust me. You should have come to me."

"I … was so scared."

"I know Ianto. I know. But hush now, don't torment yourself like this. It's been a long day. Try and sleep."

Stroking his hair and patting his back, Jack felt at a loss. He'd never seen someone lose so much in such a short time and hearing the man's pained words was confronting him with his own heartache. The few desperate words Ianto managed to say broke his heart. Knowing that no words could ever ease Ianto's pain, he rummaged through his memories. He thought back to his childhood. How did he handle his little brother when he was upset?

Jack straightened his back and cradled Ianto in his arms, occasionally placing loving kisses in his hair or neck. When this did little do calm Ianto down, he started singing a lullaby his mother had sung for him so many times after his father's death and his brother's disappearance.

"_A little while ago I felt so lost_

_Like a child who vanished into thin air_

_Looking for a place to call my home_

_But nowhere to be found_

_That's when I saw you my sweetheart_

_Alone and so sad_

_I knew you needed me as much as I need you_

_So baby lean on me_

_Would you be my destiny?_

_I'll hold you forever_

_Or until your tears have dried_

_Oh baby lean on me_

_I'll be the one you can shout at_

_I'll be the one you can cry on _

_As long as you need me_

_I'll be here, keeping you safe"_

He could tell Ianto was listening at the lyrics because he lay absolutely silent in the hug. Jack could still feel hot tears running over his neck but at least he had stopped sobbing violently. It seemed the young man had taken comfort in his words. For that, Jack was ever so grateful.

He embraced Ianto for a while, until he felt the young man breath slower and deeper and eventually until the crying has stopped. He looked down and saw Ianto sleeping, albeit not peacefully as a whimper occasionally escaped his lips. He placed one last kiss on his forehead and slowly retreated from the bed.

Leaning up against the doorframe, he dared to look back at him once more.

He felt a single hot tear running over his cheek. Quickly he wiped it away, not willing to fall apart.

"I'll be back soon. Take care."

Jack left the apartment soon after, but not before clearing the flat of all possible weapons and placing a glass filled with water and a painkiller by Ianto's bedside table.


	4. Chapter 4

note: Thank you so much for the reviews/favorites/alerts. I really do appreciate it. Please do keep sending in your feedback. Tell me what is cool and what is not. I want to make this a really good story for y'all!

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Jack harkness strode through the Plass with big angry steps. Carelessly, he kicked the door of the tourist office center open . He glanced around the room, looking for anything that reminded him of that silly little tea-boy. The moment he found it, his eyes narrowed dangerously. He picked up the forgotten mug on the desk – Ianto's favorite, red and yellow in the colors of his favorite rugby team, Newport RFC – and glared at it. He let out an angry growl and threw the mug against the wall, shattering it in a thousands pieces. He reached under the desk and punched the hidden knob to open the entrance to the hub. He stood still at the doorframe and brushed his hands over the wood, thinking deeply about that sad moment where he had pinned Ianto against the frame and held his gun to the boy's head. 'See, disobey me now and I will shoot you.'

**Worst thing is, I meant it. If he had disobeyed, I'd have shot him. My boy. **

**I could've lost him. Them. **

He shook the words out of his heads and proceeded through the door, slamming it firmly shut behind him. He pushed a button and immediately he heard the elevator spring to life. In the steel doors of the elevator, he caught a glimpse of his reflection. He was appalled at the angry and bitter expression on his face. He hadn't seen that one in a long time. He closed his eyes and let his mind wander.

He thought of Ianto. Of how he held him tight the previous night, feeling him lose himself in his arms. The sheer despair radiating from his every fiber. Every inch of Ianto hurt and Jack had felt it.

And then he thought of the last time he was in this position, a position of mutiny, of betrayal, of loss.

He thought of Alex and how he had murdered his team and left him all alone. That was less than a decade ago.

**Have I forgotten so easily how to care? I promised myself after Alex**** and Suzie that I would keep my eyes open for my friends, to prevent something like that happening again. And I didn't see it. How did I not see it? Alex sacrificed everything – and everyone - so that I could make a change. Chance Torchwood and how it functioned. And merely 24 hours ago, I nearly got to bury the whole team again. FUCK!**

A small 'ding' snapped him out of his thoughts and as the metallic doors opened, he saw the giant cog door in front of him. As he opened the cog door, a loud alarm blared through the hub, alerting everyone that someone had entered.

**No one's here to hear me. I've sent them all home, poor things. I just hope they'll recover from this.**

Much to his surprise, he heard voices coming from the main area. "What are you lot doing here? I thought I told you not to come in today."

Gwen walked up to him and pulled him into a sweet hug. "We thought you might need a hand clearing up."

"Oh," Jack said. "I could've done that."

"Liar," Tosh smirked. "The main frame of the hub is connected to my laptop at home. You've been a very busy boy today. I called up the cavalry to help out."

"Yep." Owen interrupted. "We've cleaned up the place. As if yesterday never happened …"

His voice trailed off and an awkward silent fell between the teammates.

"What are we going to do, Jack?" Gwen tensely asked.

"What can we do? We just work through it and move on. Take one day at the time and … just do our jobs."

"Easier said than done." snapped Owen.

"I know Owen…" Jack responded, his eyes fixated on the ground.

"What … what have you decided about Ianto?" Toshiko asked. She knew that even though Jack appreciated their input, the decision was down to him. And she wouldn't have it any other way, she couldn't imagine having that kind of responsibility.

All eyes were fixated on the Captain. Jack stared back at him and could see their apprehension and their curiosity. Wanting to know what would happen to Ianto and maybe not wanting to hear it.

"What about him? He's suspended until further notice – until I see him fit to work again – and then he'll come back."

"As if nothing happened." Owen sarcastically sang.

"Not quite but nearly. Now if you excuse me, I've got work to do." Jack pronounced as he walked away from the team.

"Seriously," Owen started. "That's it? He betrayed us like that and all he gets is a lousy suspension?"

"It does seem a bit … like he's getting off easy." Tosh added.

"Really?" Gwen said. "You really think he's got it easy? He's girlfriend is dead and he doesn't even get to bury her properly. You REALLY think he's got it easy?"

Gwen angrily glared at the pair as she spoke the words, uneasily calm and chillingly slow.

Jack saw the conversation escalating when Owen shot her a fierce look and opened his mouth.

"Enough!" Jack exclaimed. "Enough! This is exactly why I didn't want you to meet. Emotion's are still running high and we are all a bit in the edge. Last thing we need right now is another fight. We're all tired and none of us even has the energy to put up with shit. So, just let me do the boss-thing the only way I know how. I've made my decision and believe you me, I do not plan to let him off easy. But right now, he's mourning a dead loved one and needs all the help he can get. I'm afraid for what he'll do if he doesn't have the necessary back-up."

Jack swallowed. The team was shocked at his outburst. It's not uncommon for Jack to lose his temper but to see their boss actually lost, panting heavily at his own outburst and so emotional, stirred some unwanted sentiments through the team.

"Please, just give me the benefit of the doubt." Jack said, not asking but also not begging. "I know you all have things to say and we will talk. Just not now."

Owen and Toshiko nodded and Gwen smiled at him. Once again, she hugged Jack, whispering 'you're a brave man' in his ear.

Jack pulled back and returned the smile. "Just doing my job."

"How is he doing?" Toshiko asked. "I assume you went to see him."

"Lost, frail, depressed … and drunk mostly."

"As well as one can expect I guess." Tosh added, with a sad smile on her lips.

"Yeah … well he's got some healing to do." Jack said. "Like we all have."

Jack saluted the team, eliciting a chuckle from the girls and an eye roll from Owen, and walked into his office. He sat down on his chair and put up his feet on his mahogany desk.

**Ianto would already be in here shouting at me if he saw my feet up like this.**

He smiled fondly and ran a finger over his lips. The same lips that were pressed onto Ianto a mere day ago, sharing a kiss and life force. He remembered turning over his limp body and caressing his face. He touched the jugular and felt a pulse, barely. A sigh of relief escaped his own body.

He pressed his lips onto Ianto's and kissed him, pouring his life force into the broken man. He felt the man become stronger and much to his delight, returned the kiss.

He hadn't forgotten what came after. The battle, her death and Ianto sobbing like a child at her feet.

He picked up the phone and dialed Ianto's number, not sure of Ianto would be willing to speak to him.

_Ring ring_

"What?" Ianto snapped at the phone.

"Hey, it's me. Did I wake you?" asked Jack, a little more polite than usual.

"Yeah, kind of." Ianto responded. Jack knew from the start that Ianto was mad. The angry tone in his voice never did quite leave the other man's voice.

**Can't really blame him, can I? In his eyes, I killed his girlfriend. I just hope that some day he'll see that that thing down there was just another monster.**

"Sorry Ianto."

"Doesn't matter."

" We're getting swamped. I'm sorry. I don't think I have time to come 'round now."

" 's fine."

"Ianto … I'm worried. Just wanted to check in on you."

"Don't bother."

"Ianto? Come on. Just … don't do anything stupid."

"Like hide a semi-converted cyberman in the basement?"

"Ianto …"

"Sir?"

"Can we drop the hostility?"

"What do you think sir?"

"Have you been drinking?"

"What do you think sir?"

**Christ, I really should go over. Ianto's losing it. I know he is. I can feel it.**

"Ianto … this isn't a good way to deal with your grief…"

"Have I got any other choice?"

"There is always a choice." Jack started. He leant forward and placed his elbows on his desk. He pinched the bridge of his nose and shut his eyes, strongly willing the pending headache to fade away.

"Ianto, Go 'round to see your mother. Talk to your family. Visit your old friends. You might be surprised at how they might surprise you. Anything is better than drinking yourself into a coma!"

Ianto snorted. "For what good, Captain? My mother has got Alzheimer's. She won't remember me. She doesn't even know who I am. Last time she thought I was delivering her mail. My own mum sir. Reduced to a shell. And my friends … do you really think I'm in the mood to pretend? I can't be arsed to be pretend to care about anything. To be nice or even to smile. I just can't be arsed." he blurted out, surprised at how easily the words came to him. And at how easily he trusted Jack with such sensitive information. He knew he shouldn't but at that moment, he couldn't care less.

_**Mum … I wish dad was here, he'd know what to do. He always knew what to do. I've lost him, Lisa and I can't even talk to you. You're here and yet you're not. What am I to do?**_

"So you'd rather wallow on your own?"

Silence.

_**Of course not you big idiot. Oh Captain, my Captain. Can't you see I have no one left? Do I need to say the words? Do I need to tell you that I'm alone? All alone. Always have been and always will be. Lisa was the only one who actually gave a damn about me after dad died. Now that she's gone … there no one. No one. **_

"Ianto, please."

"Yes, I'd rather lay in bed for the rest of the day. What d'you want sir? Do you want me to smile and graciously say thank you for calling? For mock-caring?" Ianto snapped back, sarcasm seeping through every vowel.

Jack sighed, causing Ianto to smile a bit on the other side of the phone.

_**Oh sorry Captain, am I annoying you? Good.**_

"Ianto … I do care…"

"Oh how very lovely. Nice way of showing it. Kill my girlfriend, punch me in the face and suspend me. Why don't you …" Ianto retorted, only to get cut off by Jack shouting into the headphone.

"ENOUGH! Do I need to remind you of what you did? You hid a creature in our basement that wiped out Torchwood London. I don't need to tell you how cruel they are because I know the memories still haunt you every night. THAT is what would've happened if I hadn't stopped you. You also know Torchwood protocol for treason so don't give me a reason to uphold their principles. So, grieve, cry and shout at me all you want, but DO NOT disrespect me like that. I still AM your boss."

"Would you like me to throw you a damned parade?" Ianto replied, not particularly impressed.

"Ianto, come on … I'm just trying to help." Jack responded, calmer and more rational.

"You could have given her a chance." Ianto said, barely a whisper.

"I would if I could." Jack replied, his voice soft and sorrowful. "Trust me, I really would. But like I said before, those who are converted stay that way."

Tears streamed down Ianto's face. A confusing battle raged on inside of him. His emotions were telling him to shout at him with all his might and never to surrender. But his logical self, the one that usually got the upper hand, was telling him to listen. To take comfort in Jack. Because deep down inside it was starting to sink in. Lisa had gone long before yesterday.

"She wasn't fully converted!" Ianto cried, more to convince himself than Jack.

"Her mind was, sweetheart. It was just the skin they needed replacing. I'm so sorry, but that's how it was. If I could've done something, I would've. Believe me."

_**No, no, no. I would've seen it. I would've noticed!! **_

"Where do we go from here?"

"Take time to grieve her, remember what she used to be. Not what she was turned into. Sleep off the buzz, get up, shower, eat and clean out your apartment. Like I said, visit your loved ones. You've often talked about your cousins. Go to them. Tell them what happened. Well maybe not exactly but I'm sure you can put a spin to it. New day, new beginning."

"With all due respect sir, but bollocks to that."

"Don't make this harder for you."

"I'm fine on my own. I don't need your's or anybody's help."

"With all due respect Ianto, but bollocks to that. Everyone needs someone. Especially when they're hurting like you are now."

"What if that person doesn't have anyone? Who could possibly understand this? Or even know what the hell I'm talking about."

"You've got me, Ianto."

"That's a right laugh."

"You do have me. I'm sorry you're in pain and I am sorry that it is due to my orders that you are hurting. But it had to be done. I'm not sorry for eliminating the threat. I needed to take care of the team."

"She wasn't a threat sir, she was just … Lisa."

_**Lisa, my baby. **_

"No, she wasn't. It was a cyberman. You've lived through the battle of Canary Wharf, you have seen what they can do. You'd rather that she's gotten out and converted everyone into the cyberman-race? I know that's not what you wanted."

"She WASN'T a cyberman sir. She wasn't fully converted."

_**I won't believe him. I won't!**_

"Ianto, THINK. Would your girlfriend have killed that doctor? Or Annie? Or throw you around like ragged doll? Ianto, she nearly killed you. THINK. Is that what Lisa would have done? Because to me, it sounds like an awful lot like a cyberman."

"She … oh god." Ianto's words caught in his throat. Slowly Jack was getting to him.

_**Lisa wouldn't have … she was good. So good. No one loved and respected life more than she did. Why her?**_

"Ianto?"

"Sir?"

"I need to go." Jack said.

And like a switch turned on a light bulb, that sentenced managed to flare up Ianto's anger. "Then go! See if I care."

Jack cringed at the angry voice. "Ianto. I'm working solo. I've given the team today off so they could … recover. I'm swamped but I will try come by. I promise."

"Not exactly the promise I was going after."

"You're not being reasonable!"

"I've just lost the last thing that made sense sir. Are you surprised?"

"I guess not. But please, think before you act."

"How are they?" Ianto asked quickly, the words tumbling out of his mouth.

"The team?"

"Yeah. How are they? They weren't hurt, were they? I mean she didn't …"

_**She wouldn't**__**… **_

"Physically they are fine. They'll just need some time to get process things."

"I hurt them." Ianto said, low and tearful.

"You've hurt all of us, Ianto. I won't lie to you."

"I never meant to."

"I know."

Ianto let out a small whimper as he remembered staring into Gwen's terrified eyes as the machine burst into life. "Gwen? How is she? She was under the machine."

"She had knives swirling ten inches from her face. How do you think she is?"

_**Oh god, that was my doing. It could've sliced her open so easily. Like a knife going through butter. How did those thing get there anyway? I never remembered seeing them. I checked that thing over and over again! Where did they come from? **_

Ianto gulped audibly, tasting tears and saliva mixed in with alcohol and a bitter taste of vomit. "Tosh and Owen?"

"I'd stay away from them for a while…"

"I've burnt some mighty bridges." Ianto sobbed.

"Bridges can be repaired."

"I don't know…"

"Hey, come on Yan. We just need time. You just need time. Before you know it, you'll be rolling your eyes again when Owen calls you a tea-boy."

"Time… everything goes so slowly now. I hate you so much."

"I know you do Ianto."

"Ianto?"

"Jack," Ianto cried out. "Could you come by?"

"Yan, you're kind of giving me mixed signals here."

"I know. I don't know what to do. Everything's a blur. I know you did what you had to do but …"

"I took away the one thing you loved. I understand Ianto. You can't stand me but you need me. Believe me, I understand."

"You shouldn't. I thought … she killed you."

Jack tried to lighten the mood by chuckling. "Ah you don't get rid of me that easily."

"Sometimes I hate you and sometimes …"

"It's okay Ianto. I do understand, and I do care."

"Why?" Ianto blubbered. "Why do you care?!"

"Do you even need to ask?"

"Yes."

"Ianto … I know what's it like. To be alone, to lose everyone, everything."

"You do?"

"Yes, I do. I've lost so many loved ones and it still hurts every day. But it'll get better. And I know the guilt that is tearing you apart. I know. I understand. So please, don't push me away, I could really help you through this."

"I hope so, because I don't know what to do with myself. I'm afraid I'll do something."

"And I'll be there to stop you." Jack sighed deeply.

**This is going to be tough. Oh God, I do know what Ianto's going through. I've been there. So many times.**

"Sunshine … hold on. Find something. And just hold on to it, whatever it is. Whoever it is."


	5. Chapter 5

Ianto jones lay on his stomach, sleeping uneasy in his unbearably cold and empty bed. It had been little over two days since Lisa died. Since she had been killed. 48 hours since she had left this earth for good.

A beeping sound tore him away from the sleep he desperately needed. He shivered as recent events slowly force their way into his consciousness.

_**Is this how it's going to be like from now on? Waking up in my bed and dreading the day that is to come? **__**Feeling so hopeless and sad that I feel my insides burning with mourning? **_

_**I spread my hands out and feel the rough fabric of the sheets. I know it's my bed but somehow everything feels so unfamiliar. So very strange. The things I used to turn to for comfort I find ruthless now. Not my books, my movies and not even my sweet resting place seem to ease this burden in my heart. Everything is haunted by her presence. I used to read those books to her, watch those movies with her and make love to her in this bed. **_

_**Her, her, her, her, her. That is the only constant thought in my mind.**_

_**And it grieves me so that I will never see her again. Maybe that's the whole point. I couldn't save her, so I don't deserve her. My love has left me and I am struggling to live on without her. **_

_**I'd give anything to see her again. Or talk to her, tell her that I love her. Tell her that I hate her. Tell her not to go. Just anything. To see her smile, her eyes, to feel her soft skin beneath my fingertips. To kiss those beautiful blood red lips. **_

_**Blood, that is all she was in the end. Red raging blood. My baby girl reduced to ash. And all I could do is carry her to the grave.**_

He slowly opened his eyes and looked at the clock. 7. 56 flashed in big, green and painfully loud letters. His mouth felt dry as a cork and he tasted a mixture of scotch and vomit. The walls spun wildly around him, making him feel even more nauseous than he already was. He rubbed his eyes forcefully as a throbbing headache instantly hit him, his brain sending him messages that it was too early to wake up. The venomous buzz of the alcohol hadn't completely left his body and all that was left was a broken body who refused to give in to the fact that he needed to get going. When he remembered why he woke up, he forcefully tore his arm away from the little comfort and warmth that the sheets provided and searched for his cell phone on the floor. He felt around the cold floorboards until he felt the familiar object. He winced as the light from the phone pained his sensitive eyes.

'Message: Weevil on the loose.'

He quickly deleted the message and buried himself in his bed, desperately trying to hide from the memories, the truth and the cruel world. As far as Jack was concerned, Ianto was persona non grata at the hub. Not to show his face until further notice. Jack had made it pretty damned clear that he did not tolerate betrayal, even if his motives were good.

'You should have trusted me' Jack had said, the words still ringing loudly in Ianto's ears. He was to stay away until Jack saw it fit. Until the team were ready to accept him back and until Ianto himself had recovered from the recent events.

_**Easier said than done**__**. What am I suppose to do with myself? Just sit around here with every little thing reminding me of what I had, want, lost and can never have back. Of what I did?**_

Whilst Jack contemplated his faith all Ianto could do is sit around in his painfully empty apartment. The same place that was filled with so much laughter mere months ago was now a graveyard, deadly silent and eerie, that was about to burry him in it's cold embrace. And his bed was his coffin.

Everything still smelt of her. He could sense her presence, not willing to leave him behind. And in many ways it did not offer him comfort. It merely reminded him of how he failed and what he had done in the process.

As these thoughts swam through his mind, he felt himself relax into sleep, only to revel in it's tormented darkness. For the last two days every minute of sleep he dwelled in, he was confronted by the images of what had happened, like a movie constantly on play. Even if his body got the necessary rest, his mind remained on active. Sleep seemed more exhausting than staying awake. But in the end he was too exhausted to stay awake and too terrified and depressed to give into the slumber. So he spend the last two days in limbo, stuck between the sweet release of sleep and the agony of wakefulness. He had spent the biggest part of last night in his bed, drowsy from exhaustion, drinks and tears, looking out in front of him and letting his mind drift. He had never felt so alone, lost and helpless. Hopeless, that is one way to describe his state of mind. Without hope and without love.

He heaved a long sigh as he felt sleep take him away again. He hoped for once that he would not dream, not to be pulled apart by all the horrifying pictures of blood, gore and hatred. He shut his eyes closed and prayed his soul could rest, even if it was for just a short while.

Half an hour later another beep grabbed his attention. He groaned as the harsh sound pierced through his mind like a knife cutting through butter. Without opening his eyes, he reached for his cell phone.

His heart instinctively started racing as his mind didn't register the full meaning of the note.

'Message: officer down. All hands on deck.'

He started panting, his eyes dilated and his hands trembled.

_**Who? What? Where? **_

Although he knew that the message was automatically generated by a touch of jack's wrist strap that was sent out to all Torchwood personnel, he could help but stop the gnawing feeling of panic that rose inside him.

_**Officer down? Who was down? How serious?**__** What happened? **_

_**Oh god, what if something happened to them? I need to go, but what if they don't want me there? There must be something I can do to help! Anything, even if it is just to make coffee. Anything. They're all I've got left!**_

He knew that despite the direct orders given to him, he had to go in, even if no one would appreciate his presence. He had to see if there was anything he could do. Once a Torchwood-agent, always a Torchwood-agent.

Terror had rushed through his body, making him forget about his pending hangover. A pang of guilt hit him as well. Two days ago he was willing to put every one of the team in danger to save Lisa. He could've easily killed them. He had killed them. Professor Takanazi and Annie. And now he was sweating just because he thought of the things that might have happened to one or more of his colleagues.

_**Oh God, the memories are flooding back**_**. **_**Blood, tears, screaming, those knives …**_** I need to do something, anything. **

He glanced at his half empty scotch bottle with intense desire, as he had done ever since he stepped through his front door two days ago. He shook his head to wake himself up – and to repress the urgent craving- and cursed loudly. Now he had to suck it up and stand by his team again … even though he was fairly sure that none will accept him.

He got up and dragged his sore body to the bathroom. He splashed cold water in his face to wake him up and quickly brushed his teeth. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror and stared at himself for a few minutes. He noticed his grey skin, hidden under the growing facial hair, and the baggy eyes, dull and empty.

_**I see**__** a man who has lost everything and everyone, with nothing left to give. **_

_**I see a man that has**__** turned his back on the few good things he had in his life. **_

_**I see a man that has**__** betrayed his friends in the deepest way anyone could. **_

He saw himself and he was disgusted. His eyes welled up and his hands clenched into fists. Before he realized himself, he swung his hand hard against the mirror, shattering his reflection.

As he withdrew his hands, blood seeped over his hand and arm to the floor. He let out a pained whimper that resounded eerily in the small and untidy bathroom.

Quickly he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his bleeding hand. He stared at the floor and listened to the ticking of the clock, the only sound in the apartment. Deadly silence.

He took a look at his sore hand and noticed bits of glass sticking out of his wounds. He shrugged and picked out off most of the glass, not bothering to clean it up properly. A quick wipe with a clean clot and anti-septic made him hiss in pain. He bandaged it up, hoping it'll do.

He sighed and looked at the clock. 8.15

He took one last look in the shattered mirror and as the shards of glass contorted his features, he lost himself in thought.

_**Who is this guy**__** in the mirror? I hardly recognize my blue eyes staring back at me, my lips twitching as I touch my wounds, my own features gawking at me with an intense fury. It's like a stranger has stolen my body and he's wearing it as a coat. Not a warm one, but just something to shelter himself from the outside world. I don't remember the happy and charming kid that used to occupy this body, has he forsaken me? Or maybe it is me that has forsaken him?**_

_**I touch the raw flesh of my body and I feel the cuts and bruises painted on my skin. My breath hitches as I real**__**ize that the love of my life has put them there. My last and only love has beaten me down and kicked me into the ditch than I am in now. She has forsaken me, my only desire and my only hope. All is left is a broken boy with nothing to live for, nothing to aspire to. **_

_**I have nothing and I am nothing. **__**Nothing but a broken shell with blue eyes filled with pain and tears. **_

He grabbed the first clothes he could find, a ripped jeans and a semi-clean t-shirt. Hastily he grabbed a hoodie and head out the door. He cursed as he watched raindrops splash against the windows.

_**Ah well a perfect way to begin my day.**__** Nothing like rain on a cloudy day. **_

The hub's alarm sounded as Ianto walked in. He shook the excess water out of his hair and clothes. He was soaking wet and cold, shivering as he walked to the main area of the hub. Somehow, he didn't even register this. He just walked into the hub and took a look around, wondering what on earth had happened.

Chaos ruled the place as Toshiko, elegant as ever but the image was thwarted by a stream of blood running across her face, and Owen, hurried and cursing like a sailor, were running around in coordinated and organized panic. Running around, grabbing supplies and generally shouting at each other. He winced as he saw the majestic pterodactyl fly above him and squawking in delight as she saw her favorite man. He glared at her and cursed her existence as the image of Myfanwy attacking Lisa invaded his thoughts.

There were two voices absent: Jack and Gwen.

_**Jack … Gwen. What happened? Please tell me they're not hurt badly. Just a minor scratch, a little bite. Nothing serious. Oh god, I'm not that religious but if there is someone out there, I'm on my knees. Let them be okay. Not him, not her. **_

What happened? he shouted out, a little panicked.

Tosh and Owen stood still for a second as neither of them expected him to turn up.

Ianto felt their eyes burning into his sore body. He could actually feel the heat from their anger and disappointment.

Owen suddenly snapped, taking big and threatening steps towards him. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

Tosh held Owen back forcefully. Ianto saw that Owen was ready to lunge at him but he didn't budge. He didn't move and didn't respond to Owen's anger. How could he? He had expected it every curse, scream and profanity.

"Go to Gwen!" Tosh said, slowly and eerily calmly.

"Fine!" Owen said, hissing through his teeth. "You make sure Jack doesn't see him here. That's the last thing we need. I CANNOT be arsed to take care of his sorry ass."

He turned on his heals and furiously he walked towards the medical bay, kicking a dustbin on the way. Ianto flinched at the sudden loud bang as the dustbin hit the metallic wall.

Tosh smiled politely at Ianto but there was something not quite right about it. Her lips quirked upwards in an angry style, almost evil and unwilling. "Weevil attack gone wrong. Gwen's been hurt." she said hastily, the words glued together.

She paused for a moment and eyed up Ianto's dreadful appearance. "Ianto, what are you doing here and how on earth did you get in. I thought Jack confiscated your entrance card."

Unlike Owen, there was no overt sign of spite or anger. However, it was far from friendly. The words were over-articulated, as if she needed all the strength she had to refrain from shouting.

"Someone left the door open so I just walked in. I got a message, 'All hands on deck'," responded Ianto. "I figured it was important. How is she?"

Tosh smiled again, a bit more responsive . "She's in serious peril. Owen's trying to stabilize the wound."

"Tosh … I …." Ianto started, the words dying in his throat.

"Could you make some coffee?" Tosh interrupted him, fully knowing what he was about to say but not willing to hear it yet. "We all could use a cup."

Ianto nodded and quickly turned away in an attempt to hide the tears that were dancing on his lashes.

_**Oh god Tosh. I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Never. **_

_**I had hoped that at least you would go easy on me but now I see that you are just as angry as the rest of them. I guess I can't blame you. But just the thought of you being so mad at me hurts me more than anything. Well that's not true. Lisa …**_

_**Tosh, please. Some day .. forgive me. Of all people, you're the last one I'd willingly put in danger.**_

Ianto walked towards the coffee machine and caressed the golden handles. He shivered as even the coffee machine felt cold and unfriendly. He heard footsteps behind him and a hand that brushed against his shoulder. He looked sideways and Tosh held out a towel for him. "You're dripping wet," she said. "Get yourself dried before you catch something."

"I am?" Ianto asked as he touched his hair. "I … I … hadn't noticed."

Toshiko gave him a weird look. A mix between carelessness and pity. Something he had never seen in her. She had never been angry with him before. She had definitely never pitied him. But now she was and in one way, it broke Ianto's heart even more, knowing that the one person he had felt so close to had rejected him.

"Where's Jack?" Ianto hesitantly asked. "I don't hear him …"

"He's with Gwen. He's not doing too well either."


	6. Chapter 6

Silently Ianto made coffee. All the while Toshiko stood beside him, occasionally glancing at her younger colleague. As the machine huffed and puffed her way into 5 big and delicious cups of coffee, the pair could hear Owen curse in the distance. With every well placed 'fuck' or 'shit', their hearts broke.

"I'm sure she'll be fine." Toshiko suddenly said.

"I hope so," Ianto muttered, shocked as his voice wavered. "Last thing we need is another …" his voice trailed, not able to finish the sentence.

_**I can't even say it. If I say it, it's true. I can't …**_

"I'm going to check the rift monitor …" Tosh said, feeling uncomfortable.

"Tosh … I …" Ianto began.

"Don't Ianto. Just Don't."

Toshiko held up her hand and glared at him fiercely. "This is hardly the time."

_**It still hurts to see you so upset with me. I hadn't expected anything else but it still hurts. With every step I take in this place, I am confronted with what happened and **__**all the pain I've caused. All the pain. I've hurt my sweet Lisa, myself and the only people in my life who cared.**_

_**Well, that's a lie isn't it? Has anyone in this place ever cared about me? **_

_**Tosh, I know you mean well. But you never asked, you never cared. **_

_**Oh how easy it was to deceive you all. I did all those things, half of which you will never figure out. You WON'T figure out. You would've if you had just asked. I never had to hide her because you never asked, never cared. So she just stayed there. And no one questioned what I did. All those lonely nights in the hub. And no one knew. Because no one even noticed. You just assumed I was doing whatever it takes to make you happen. And I've tried, Tosh. I really did. **_

_**Remember that time we were debugging the latest software update? I tried to tell you then.**__** Tell you what was wrong but you … you never even looked me in the eye. If you did, you would've noticed I'd been crying. You would've noticed Tosh. All of people, why didn't you?**_

"Okay." Ianto responded, his voice cracking. "I'll bring Owen his coffee."

Ianto arrived at the stairs leading down to the medical bay and glanced at Gwen on the bed, IV's, tubes and patches running in and out of her. The cup in his hands shook in his hand, the sound of clinking china filling the deadly silent room.

_**Gwen … oh god. You look so hurt, so fragile. I still remember that you always had a cookies with you. And you a**__**lways kept the one with the dark chocolate for me, because you knew I liked them the most.**_

_**And I … I put you in that machine, those knives. Oh god, what have I done?**_

_**What have they done to you? I'd take your place any second. You should know that.**_

_**You're so much better than I am. You care and you'd never do something like this.**_

_**But please understand, what choice did I have? **_

_**Don't die on me. Even if you do wake up and hate me for the rest of your life, the team needs you. Don't give up, Gwen. Please.**_

Owen looked up at the sound and noticed Ianto frozen in his steps, his wet eyes concentrated on the pale face of Gwen. He let him take a moment to adjust to the situation but when it looked like he wasn't going to move any time soon, he cleared his throat. "I might have some difficulties drinking the coffee from all the way up there…"

Ianto startled out of his trance and gave Owen an apologetic glance, their eyes briefly making contact as Ianto shifted his eyes but soon lowered them again. "How … how is she?"

"I don't know." Owen said calmly, his anger towards Ianto put aside for the moment. As much of a bully Owen might be, he was fully aware of Ianto's distress. I hate him, he thought to himself, but I'm not going to kick him when he's down. I'm sure Jack knows what he's doing.

"She's going to make it right? She has to … I mean, what if …" Ianto added.

_**Not her as well … If there's someone out there, please …**_

"I'm doing the best I can." Owen interrupted him. "But I'll do better once I have some caffeine in my system. It's been a long night." He added when he noticed Ianto still hadn't moved.

Ianto slowly made his way to the ground floor, taking it step by step and staring at the bloodied and unconscious Gwen.

_**You look so lost Gwen. What can I do to help you? Come back to me cariad. Please. **_

_**Jack needs you so …**_

"It's okay Ianto." Owen soothed. "It's okay. It just looks scary."

"It's just that … I could've …" Ianto said, his voice hoarse with emotion. He shook his head as a shudder went down his spine.

"This isn't about you." Owen snapped, silencing the young man.

Ianto finally reached the last step and quickly put the cup down next to Owen.

He turned from Owen and suddenly his blood froze as his eyes caught the presence of Jack for the first time.

Ianto noticed Jack's trembling hand holding hers, his empty eyes fixated at the wound. "It must've been some fight …" he said silently as he took in Jack's dirty and shredded clothing.

He cringed as he saw Jack's grimy and tear stained face, streams of dried blood standing out against his ghostly pale face.

Jack snapped his head in Ianto directions and for a second Ianto held his gaze with Jack's wet and bloodshot eyes. Jack's lips twitched at every sound, unnerving Ianto.

"It was pretty bad, boy." Jack answered with an unrecognizably harsh voice. "I thought I told you not to come in until I said so."

_**Can't you see that I had to? I know everyone despises me but **__**I need to be here. You all need me to be here. Who else is going to take care of all the shit.**_

_**God Jack! Have you got any idea what it was like? Have you got any idea what it feels like to go through a day and notice that none of you really looked at me? No eye contact, not even a glance. I had this terrible secret, a constant burden. Like the world rested on my shoulders. And I had no one to turn to…**_

_**You all ask things of me. Coffee. Files. Food. A ride. Not even ever a little 'Thank you' for all the shit I've done for you. **_

_**I did everything for you guys and you never even asked how I was feeling. Never. Not even once.**_

_**How is that fair? Was I so disgusting that you didn't want to? Or did you just not bother with plain ol' Ianto. **_

_**Plain, ol' Ianto. And still this pathetic sod loves you. Each and everyone of you. I'll do anything to make it better. Anything ...  
**_

The machine beeped and suddenly Owen cursed loudly whilst he checked her pulse and readjusted her medicine, prying away the attention off Jack's last statement. A small whimper of panic escaped Jack's lips and he quickly turned his attention back to the hurt woman. He remained silent as Owen checked her vital signs, eyes always fixated on Gwen.

"Ianto … hold the IV for a minute will you?" Owen asked.

Ianto immediately obeyed. He leant in and whispered into Owen's ear. "Has he been like that since …?"

"Yeah," responded the medic. "He was fighting off two weevils when he saw the third one go for her. He missed him by two inches. One second earlier and Gwen would've walked away. He went into a state of stupor after that. I think he blames himself."

_**No, you saved her Captain. But that's what you always do, isn't it? You come in and save the day. Every time again. Please, could you … could you save me?**_

_**I'm lost. I'm broken Captain. I'm wrong. Everything about me is wrong. My whole existence is pain and suffering and I'm wrong. What kind of person does this? **_

_**I'm so lost, broken and I can't find my way back. **_

_**I'm just so … dead. **_

Ianto's eyes welled up at the sight of the broken Captain, shattered, brokenhearted and in tears. He had never seen his strong Captain like this and it frightened him that even someone as tough and extraordinary like Jack could be reduced to the same catatonic state he had lived in for the past two days.

"Sir?" he softly asked. "Can I get you something? Cup of tea? A blanket?"

"You could get out of my face." Jack growled, emotionless and not shifting his eyes from Gwen.

Ianto's bottom lip quivered as he strode out of the medical bay.

_**He hates me, oh god he really does hate me. I hope you'd … I'm so stupid to even think that.**_

_**How could you not? I hurt you so bad. I betrayed you. You put your trust in me, and I broke that bond. You should've shot me. Right then and there, by my love.**_

_**If I don't even have your mercy … I don't have anything left. **_

He could hear Toshiko call out his name, but the sound just lingered in his ears as he buried his face in his hands.

He hurried himself back to the kitchen. He leant up against the kitchen counter and inhaled deeply, trying to steady his emotions. A knock against the doorframe made him jump.

Owen stood in the doorway, his left eyebrow arched up.

"Should I leave?" Ianto asked.

"What do you think?" Owen answered, not angry nor friendly.

"I don't know. I know I'm not welcome. But there must be something I can do to help. I think I should stay. You need to take care of Gwen, Toshiko is on the look out for alien technology and Jack is … not quite the Captain. Someone needs to make sure there's food, drinks and that the shit doesn't hit the fan."

"Then if that's how you feel, then you should stay. But don't expect any sympathy from anyone."

Owen let the words hang in the air before turning and walking away.

"I don't, " Ianto suddenly said, making Owen stop abruptly. "But I can't exactly walk away, can I?"

"Why not? You were more than willing to put our lives in danger two nights ago." Owen barked back, taking big steps forward. "You disgust me Jones. You had our trust and you blew it. Now you've got some serious groveling to do."

_**You're right. So I'm not leaving. Not whilst Gwen is lying there and Jack is … like that.**_

_**I'll try and make it up to you. Even if it takes me a hundred years. **_

"Owen … I don't expect anything. But if you need anything … _anything … _just ask. And … don't let Gwen die. Jack would be lost …"

The morning moved along to make way for the afternoon, Ianto kept busy in the hub. Among things, he made sure phone calls were picked up, the staff and other inhabitants were fed and of course there was the coffee. Ianto was busy clearing up old pizza boxes, left over food, documents and other paraphernalia when he found Tosh laying fast asleep on the couch behind her desk.

Ianto softly crept towards her and sighed. He glanced over the big letters above the couch that spelt out Torchwood.

_**So familiar. Torchwood … my beginning and my ending. I found love at Torchwood, but also pain … a burning pain that consumes everything inside. Such pain I've never known before. And hatred. Hatred for everything that is out there. **_

_**Torchwood three … is different. A leader so strong, powerful and yet so merciful and caring. And I chose this Torchwood to destroy. Not the best thing I've done. But I'd do it again if it meant that Lisa would be safe. But she left me … and I blame you Torchwood. You're evil and beyond compare. You took away my love, my friends, my future and even my peace of mind. What else can I give you? What else do you want? My life? I'd so willingly give it to you. It's not worth much anyway. **_

The young archivist pulled a blanket over the sleeping form of Toshiko so she wouldn't be cold. He pressed down a small kiss on her forehead and softly murmured a little prayer in Welsh.

_**May you be safe. Always. **_

Owen on the other hand was wide awake and still watching Gwen like a hawk. He gratefully, but with spite, accepted Ianto's hourly coffee as he made her comfortable.

"She's out of the danger zone but she'll need to look out for infections to come." he whispered to Ianto. "Bloody newbie."

Owen sat himself down on a chair beside Gwen's bed and took a sip of coffee. He placed the cup behind him on the counter and leant back. "Madhouse today."

Ianto walked up next to the sleeping Gwen and brushed her hair back. He watched her breath in and out and he cursed himself and the world they lived in.

Whilst rearranging her bed linen, he saw the doctor's eyes fluttering close with ease. Few minutes later Owen was sound asleep on the chair, lightly snoring.

And Jack … he was still in the same position as he had been. Ianto still daren't approach the Captain, who was till sporting an angry, lost, empty and hurt look on his face.

Now that Owen had gone to sleep it was a good time as any to clear up to autopsy bay. As silent as he could, he picked up all the litter Owen had left behind. It didn't take too long to clean it. And soon he found himself with nothing to do. He glanced at Jack, who was still captivated by shock and horror. With nothing left to do, he could no longer push away the lingering thoughts. He felt pain rush over him like an instant blow to the head.

_**So much pain. So much grief.**_

_**Lisa. Jack. The team. He had left them all down. Seeing Gwen like this was salt in the wounds. Because now he saw her fragile, hurt and covered in**__** her own blood. Like a vision of what could've been. **_

_**I feel my eyes water and forcefully I rub them clean.**_

_**Don't you dare cry for her. Two days ago you put her in this type of danger. You could have brought this on so don't you fucking dare.**_

Instead of wallowing in his misery and letting his depression grasp hold of him again, Ianto turned to the next best thing he could do. All the team had been taken care off, except for one.

"Oh Captain …" he murmured.


	7. Chapter 7

Note: I'm pleased to announce that this story has been nominated for a 'Children of time' - award.

All I can say is that I'm delighted, amazed and stunned. I'm blown away by this and it would never have happened if I didn't have such amazing readers to inspire me. Thank you, you know who you are.

* * *

Ianto reluctantly stepped towards the distressed Captain and breathed a sigh. He reached out a tentative hand but froze a few inches from a shuddering shoulder.

_**Christ, this is ridiculous. I'm acting like I've never spoken to him before. Then again, **__**today is different. I am different and so is he. WE are different.**_

_**After what happened, I'm not surprised if he sees me like another person. A stranger. An enemy maybe.**_

_**Is that what I am? A stranger? That might even be worse than being an enemy. I've worked with this man, I've joked and laughed with this man. And now … he's nothing but a boss. And for some reason that is just worse than the angry Jack I've seen two days ago. **_

_**Two days … all my loved ones have forsaken me in 48 short hours. **_

_**Oh Captain, you p**__**oor thing, you look so lost. I never thought **__**you could ever be … lost, hurt. Broken. You're always the shining star and now you're not. **_

_**You seem so very … human.**_

He put his own trembling hand on Jack's shoulder and waited. Jack didn't respond to the touch, which unnerved Ianto, but he didn't shy away from it either.

Ianto swallowed and made an attempt to remove the knot that was stubbornly resting in his throat. He felt extremely uncomfortable by the lack of response from the normally so enthusiastic Captain.

When all the walls around him crumbled, Ianto took comfort in the little things that never changed. Like the taste of coffee, or the delivery of the mail, or … Jack's reassuring smile. He vaguely remembered Jack taking care of him the first night. He knew he had tended to his wounds and had settled him down into an uncomfortable yet much needed sleep. Even though he had the knowledge of Jack's actions, he couldn't quite picture it in his mind. But the one thing he remembers clearly is that smile looking down on him as a soft voice sang him to sleep. That smile had driven away fears and tears, even though a deep anger and hurt resided beneath those lips.

Ianto tenderly rubbed circles on the Captain's tense shoulders with his thumb, trying to communicate comfort and support in the only way he knew how. Ianto was never good with words and he knew that Jack always responded well to tactile stimuli.

But when Jack still didn't respond, Ianto became increasingly worried. He squatted down in front of the seated Captain and looked up, searching for Jack's face. He gasped as he saw tears dripping from his chin to his collar.

With much effort, Ianto tore his glance from the tears to Jack's eyes, his recognizable and perfect blue eyes but so thwarted by despair and guilt.

"Sir, let me take the coat. You're sweating." Ianto quietly asked.

Jack didn't answer.

"Sir?" he tentatively repeated.

Slowly, Jack met his eyes, practically having to tear his glance from Gwen.

"I couldn't stop it." Jack whispered anxiously. "I was too late. I could feel the weevil slipping from my fingers and he … just … he hurt her. Like she wasn't worth anything. And I couldn't protect her. Why can't I protect the ones I love? Why do they always have to hurt?"

His sad and bloodshot eyes burned in agony, the same fire that only a few days ago burned in anger and passion was now heated by sadness. Tears flooded the Captain's face and Ianto closed his eyes, willing him to stop. The man he had hated so much in the last few days was breaking down and stripped to the core in front of him and he couldn't find it in his heart to walk away.

_**Why is my heart breaking when yours is too? I should be hating you! Cursing your very existence! I should be spitting in your tear-stained face!**_

_**And yet … I can't. I can't leave you. **_

_**Even after everything, I can't break away from you.**_

Ianto made an attempt to wipe the hot tears off Jack's face but before Ianto's hand touched the skin, Jack sharply pulled away, snapping his head away from the comforting touch and returning to the stupor-like state of mind.

Ianto grabbed Jack's hand and softly caressed it whilst lowering his eyes. He wasn't planning on getting pushed aside that easily. Jack had stayed with him despite his pleads. So he wasn't going to go away either. Stubbornly, he was determined to stay, come what may.

"Sir, you need to get cleaned up." Ianto whispered

"I need to stay with her." Jack angrily hissed.

"Sir, Owen is here."

"I need to STAY with her."

"Sir … please."

Jack promptly turned his side to meet Ianto in the eye. As if he got burnt, Ianto quickly turned his head away from the prying eyes. He quickly stood up and started clearing the – already spotless- counter behind the snoring Owen.

The sudden increase in tension snapped Jack out of his trance and somehow his mind landed back in the hub. Tears still ran down his face again but he slowly stood up, carefully placing Gwen's hand on her chest before placing a soothing kiss on her forehead.

He got up to his feet but swayed dangerously. He barely was in time to steady himself on the bed in order not to fall on the floor. Ianto was by his side within seconds, holding him up by the arm.

"Sir? You alright?"

"Yeah," Jack responded weakly. "Just a bit …"

"Indisposed sir?"

Jack softly chuckled but soon turned into a full blown coughing fit. "Yeah, indisposed Ianto." he finally replied.

"Come on sir, a nice hot bath will help you get back on your feet. Literally."

Jack put his arm over Ianto's shoulder and leant on him. Ianto draped his arms around the Captain's waist and supported most of his weight. With effort, Ianto helped Jack to the bathroom.

The pair entered the dimly lit bathroom. Jack let go of Ianto, leant against the wall and slumped to the ground. "I've failed her Ianto." he said in a low and mournful voice.

"Sir, I know you. I'm sure you did the best you could."

"As have you Ianto. And we both know that 'the best' is more than often not enough."

Ianto turned his gaze from Jack. The words stung deep. He put all his effort into caring for Jack that for one delicious moment, he had forgotten how dreadful his life was. He had forgotten about her.

"D'you like bubbles sir?" Ianto asked.

"Bubbles?" Jack asked, confused.

"For your bath? I thought lavender scented oil might relax you and maybe bubbles to cheer you up." Ianto stated quietly as he turned the taps on and let the bathtub fill with hot water. Soon the calming scent of lavender rose from the hot water and spread to the bathroom.

"Ianto, no need to pretend."

"Sorry?"

"Don't pretend everything is alright. Because it isn't. Everything's gone to shit. And denying it makes it harder."

"I'm not, sir. I'm just … trying to survive."

Ianto walked back to Jack and dragged him up. "Come on, the water is nice and warm."

Suddenly Jack cracked under pressure and broke down in an embrace. He started sobbing and buried his face in the young man's neck.

Ianto stroked the back of Jack's head with gentle fingers. He withdrew his hand from the hair when they suddenly felt clam. He examined his fingers and noticed a ruby red liquid.

_**Oh god. Blood. Gwen's blood**__**. Jack's blood. Not again, no more blood. Please.**_

Memories flooded back and he felt his throat contracting, making it hard to breath. He took in big gulps of air but he choked in his desperate need for oxygen. He tried to hide it from Jack, which resulted in a sound between a sneeze and a cough. His breath hitched as he felt Jack pulling back from the hug.

"What is it? What's wrong." Jack asked, worry written clearly on his features.

"N-N-Nothing," stammered Ianto who expertly averted his eyes from his boss.

"Ianto, you're nearly hyperventilating. What is it?"

"Just blood. Always blood. Let me take you coat sir."

Jack frowned but as he saw Ianto seemingly settle down, he took off the coat and handed it to his youngest employee.

"Get in the bath sir, before it gets cold. I'll give you some privacy for you to undress. If you need anything, I'll be back in a few minutes.

Ianto felt the tears prickling behind his thoughtful blue eyes and hurried out of the bathroom, ignoring Jack's calls.

_**No, not here.**__** Not in front of him. Not now. **_

He felt that familiar mourning grow bigger, burning a hole in his stomach. Clutching his throat as if an invisible specter were choking him. The tears streamed down his face and he ran up the stairs to Jack's office. He closed the door, held on tight to the coat and as he nuzzled into it, he breathed in that scent. It was a mixture of sweat, tears, Jack and the unmistaken iron of blood. He collapsed to the floor, hugging the coat and sobbing directly into it.

_**Why can't I catch a break? Everywhere I go, I'm being stalked by sadness. There's no place that's safe for me, no place for me to run. I am alone in this world, with sorrow as my constant shadow. **_

When his breathing had slowed down, he regained his posture. He wiped the unshed tears from his eyes and brushed of the dirt from his outfit. Not a suit today. Not a tie or cufflinks. No carefully styled hair, no clean cut shave. Not even a damned shower. Nothing but Ianto, raw and emotional.

He cautiously placed the coat on the hanger and walked out of the room. Back to Jack. Back to work.

* * *

As he approached the bathroom door he distinctively heard water running from the shower, alternated by a heartbreaking sob. He knocked lightly on the door an asked: 'Sir, are you ok?'

When no reply came, he opened the door. He found Jack sitting in the tub, crying like a lost child with sprays of water drizzling over his back and into the discolored – tainted by the washed off blood - water.

Ianto knelt by the bathtub and caressed Jack's back. He was horrified to find Jack's flesh scalding, red and raw. He gasped and quickly turned off the shower.

"Sir, are you with me?"

"I … I … can't get the blood off my fingers Ianto." Jack said as he stared at his dirty nails. "It doesn't come off." he added, sobbing between the words.

"I'll help you with that sir." Ianto calmly whispered as he tried to sooth Jack.

He took a small nail brush and gently rubbed it against his nails. "See, It's all becoming better. Just a couple more times and it's all clean."

"Thank you." Jack miserably replied as he buried his face in his hands.

Ianto washed his hair and cringed as the white shampoo foamed up to a sickening brown. He quickly rinsed his hair and as soon as he had washed all the leftover blood off of Jack's shoulders and torso, he pulled Jack against his chest, not caring that his shirt was getting wet.

Ianto mumbled, whispered and murmured. That was all he could do. He held Jack tight and he let him cling to his body. And as time went by, he let Jack cry. As long as he wanted, as long as he could. Because Ianto understood. He understood a grief so strong that turned you inside out and refused to leave you until your tears are fully spent.


	8. Chapter 8

Note: just a little reminder that you can vote for this story at the "children of time"-award starting from february the 1st at http: //childrenoftime. creative-musings. com/ awards/ vote. htm

Thank you so much for the support that it has gotten. I hope you enjoy the next installment.

* * *

They must've held on to each other for a good hour. Both men taking comfort in the embrace as their burning tears left their broken bodies.

Ianto was surprised that beside this intense rage, there was also a deep affection for the Captain. So when he held the distressed man in his arms, he cried as well.

He cried with him because he needed to release the lingering emotion he had been holding back all morning. He mourned his fallen lover, the rejection from his colleagues and he lamented the last couple of years of his life. The passing of his father, his mother's illness, leaving Cardiff for London, falling in love, the battle of Canary Wharf and all the losses he had experienced because of it.

He cried for Lisa and his team, how he was stuck between two fires and knowing he was going to get severely burnt.

Lastly he cried for himself and Jack. Two lonely and wounded hearts in the middle of a calamity who could do nothing more than hang on to the fragile thread that left them dangling from the ceiling.

The water in the bath had turned cold, causing Jack to shiver. Ianto noticed the Captain trembling in the embrace and as he stroke his hair, he mumbled. "We better get you out of the cold water sir, we don't want to catch a cold now don't we?"

He helped Jack out of the tub, grasping his waist so Jack wouldn't fall down.

He let his eyes wander over the naked body of his boss and felt this sadness come over him. Ianto thought Jack looked weak, as if all the bustling energy he is known for, had left him. He noticed the tired, bloodshot and dim eyes, the pale face and the absent smirk. Nothing about this man in front of him reminded him of the cheerful, flirtatious and adventurous Jack he had so willingly taken care of the last year. It terrified him to see his boss, the one who showed up at the last minute and always managed to save the day with a dashing smile, so fragile, so lost. He had always appeared a beacon of strength, both amazing and yet so terrifying. But now he was stripped down to his very core and Ianto felt like he was intruding on a private moment. Like he hadn't earned the right to see this wonderful man's vulnerability. He knew very well that Jack didn't just open to anyone. To get close to him, you had to work hard for it. And for some twisted reason, it was Ianto, the one who had betrayed him in the worst possible way, who was taking care of Jack in his time of need.

_**Please sir, get better soon. I don't think I'm strong enough to help you. I want to but I just … don't think I'm able to. I feel so lost already. How can I guide you if I don't know where I am?**_

_**I see you hurting and I can't do anything. I don't know what to do. Please, just get better. I don't want anyone else to suffer even more and you can help them. You always have. Don't let them down, not after I've hurt them so. Please, come back. **_

_**I'm sorry, just so sorry. About so many things. I don't even know where to begin.**_

Even though it pained Ianto to see Jack hurting, he was glad that his boss had let him help. He felt at least he was doing something useful.

He handed the clothes to a still sniveling Jack and aided him whenever he could. Slowly, Jack started dressing himself whilst Ianto cleaned up the bathroom. There was a silence between them, mutual and comfortable. They were both collecting their thoughts, both lost in their own private universe.

Ianto finished up clearing the bottles of shampoo and shower gel, rinsed the bathtub and collected the towels. He noticed Jack struggling to button up his shirt because his hands were shaking so much. He let out a sigh and approached the man. Gently he covered Jack's hands with his, encouraging the older man to let Ianto dress him. Gradually, Ianto buttoned up the shirt. He could feel the rhythmic chest movement as Jack breathed. A simple occurrence that usually made Ianto's knees buckle. But at that moment, it just reminded him how nice it felt to sense the warmth of another body.

He realized that more than anything, he missed Lisa's company. Even though he had cared for her every day for the last year, it hadn't been the same. She was in constant pain and the conversation were very short and shallow, nothing like they used to be. But nonetheless he loved her more every day.

He still missed her. It had been at least a year since he had seen her smile genuinely, laugh at one of his stupid jokes, played with his hair as they watched a movie or even had a full blown argument with her. A whole year of watching his lover fall apart whilst he could do nothing more than just wait and watch her deteriorate. He sat by her side and cared for her relentlessly, hoping and wishing she would get better. Hoping and wishing the old Lisa Hallet, the girl that so quickly stole his heart, would return to him. And yet, she never did.

_**Lise …**_

Jack looked up to see Ianto's face, inches away from his, and it was forced into a thoughtful and pained grimace. "How are you Ianto?" he attentively asked.

Ianto was startled by the question. He held Jack's gaze and searched for something, anything, that might give him a clue to Jack wanted to hear.

_**What am I suppose to say, sir? Should I tell the truth and say that I'm dying inside**__** because my beloved is gone? Or lie and say that I'm coping, letting you know that I won't cry over someone who tried to kill you?**_

"I'm okay sir. And you? Feeling better?" Ianto responded, turning away from Jack so fast the Captain frowned.

"I am yes. Ianto … can I give you some advice?"

Ianto turned to face him but not able to look at him straight, he lowered his eyes so he was staring at his chest instead.

"Don't hide it." Jack said. "Don't hide the pain Ianto. And even more important, don't run from it. I know it's terrifying but you've got to surrender to it. Embrace it, just let it wash over you. Face it head first. That's the only way you're going to get through this in one piece. If not, it's going to bring you down. And don't think you need to hide it from me. I'm not stupid."

_**Do you even care?**_

Jack immediately recognized the stormy waters in Ianto's blue eyes. He cupped Ianto's face as a single tear fell, he whipped it with his thumb, caressing the pale skin underneath. "Now I ask you again, how are you?"

"I don't know sir. I wish I could tell you how I am but that's the truth. I just don't know what I'm feeling."

"I can see you're hurting Ianto."

"Well there's that. But there's always been pain. It's like a constant friend. I thought she … she would make it better. I thought I had finally met someone that wouldn't leave me. That wouldn't hurt me. But in the end, it was worse. I'm just so tired, sir. Tired of everything. Even before she died, it was a constant battle inside me. Choosing either lying to those I love or giving up on her. It was tearing me apart. Torn between two impossible things with no way out. And now she's gone and all I can do is cry. And most of the time, I don't even know what or who I'm crying for."

Jack wanted to put his arm around him but as he did Ianto quickly held him by the arm. "But this isn't about me, now you should get some sleep sir." he said in a monotone voice.

"I'm ok, I'm not that sleepy."

"Sir, are you lying to me?"

"Yes Ianto, I am." And for the first time that morning Jack managed to smile a bit.

"I figured as such. Gwen will need you when she wakes up. The more important to be fresh in the mind, sir."

"Ianto, if you want to talk …"

"Sir, you need to get back on your feet as quickly as possible. The team needs you." Ianto responded, tugging at Jack's hand and leading him towards the door.

On their way to Jack's office, they walked by the medical bay, Jack could not help but glance at Gwen's helpless body, still laying unconscious on that sickeningly sterile bed. Owen had awaken and was running some tests, jogging across the medical bay like a whirlwind. He noticed Jack and Ianto staring at the bay and nodded politely but Jack could not reply, as his eyes were once again fixated on her.

Ianto pulled his arm to get his attention and guided Jack back on their way.

They entered the darkened office. Ianto turned on the small light on his desk and watched Jack slump on the luxurious couch, embracing his legs with his head between his knees. Ianto sat beside him and put a blanket around the man.

He didn't quite know what to do but he knew Jack. He knew that most of the time all he needed was someone there to share the silence with. And if he ever needed to talk, he'd start.

A heartbreaking sob broke the comforting silence. Ianto stroke Jack's hair as Jack let the unspoken tears wash over him and do nothing to stop them.

"Sir?" Ianto softly said. He waited until Jack looked at him before speaking.

"I know it's not much and it may be a bit silly but …" Ianto said as he took off a necklace hidden underneath his t-shirt. "I don't mind you hanging on to this for a while."

"What is it?" Jack asked.

"It's a necklace. A present from … my father. A while ago, I was struggling with certain things and he gave me this. He said that whenever I was down, I should remember the necklace. To squeeze it tight. It was his way of being near me and comfort me, even though he wasn't around. It was his way of staying close to me and helping me through rough times. I know it's just a material thing and it's stupid, but it always seemed to calm me down. I'd like you to have it until you don't need it anymore."

"Oh Ianto. I don't think it's stupid. I think it's beautiful. Thank you" Jack responded as he put the necklace around his neck. "Really, it's such a generous thing of you to do."

"Anytime." Ianto put his arms around the man and pulled him towards his chest.

He was glad that Jack yielded control and took comfort in his embrace. Jack tilted his body backwards so that he would fit in the nook between his neck and his shoulder, snuggling against Ianto and reveling the comfort his friend was providing. A friend because in that moment, he had forgotten what had previously happened between them.

Ianto rearranged the blanket so it covered jack wholly. He hugged him tightly and nuzzled against his thick black hair, inhaling the peach scented shampoo and that typical whiff of Jack.

"Get some sleep sir, it will do you wonders." he softly murmured, not wanting to disturb the peaceful serenity that had filled the room.

Jack's body crumbled to exhaustion, finally feeling worn out by the constant fight within him. In the comfort of Ianto's arms and underneath the warmth and coziness of the blanket, he felt his limbs turn to led and his eyes, heavy with sorrow, flutter shut. He tried to resist it but eventually the strong Captain succumbed to fatigue.


	9. Chapter 9

Ianto had dozed off until he felt Jack struggling in his sleep. His tired eyes opened and he heard his boss grunting and groaning. He stroke his hair in a feeble attempt to calm him down but the nightmare that controlled Jack seemed to be too vicious.

He mumbled sweet words into his ear but froze as he heard Jack's terrified voice murmuring in his sleep. "No … Daleks … please, not her. Doctor!"

_**What's going on inside that head of yours sir? What is this Dalek, who's the girl and what doctor?**_

_**What secret is hiding beneath your surface?**_

Jack suddenly shot up from Ianto's embrace. Panting, sweating and tears running down his cheeks. He felt around for anything familiar to sooth him but in his haste he couldn't find the thing he was searching for. He let out a sob and a strangled cry, desperate for something to pull him out of the state he was in.

He jerked his body around, hands reaching around him and legs kicking in the air, until he felt two strong arms around his waist, holding him closer.

"Ianto?" Jack cried.

"It's alright Jack. I'm here. It was just a dream."

Jack let the heat of Ianto's body warm him and he tried to calm himself down. Ianto held him tight and whispered: 'It's ok sir, I've got you. You're not alone.'

Jack turned in the embrace and buried his face on Ianto's chest. He wept as calmly as he could, trying desperately to fend off the images of his dreams. Ianto patted circular patterns on his back and that is all Jack could feel. As sleep was near, he let the rhythmic feeling of the patting and Ianto's soothing voice take him away again.

Four hours later Jack woke up on the couch, resting his head on a soft pillow and tucked away under a blue blanket and Ianto's jacket on top of it. He got up, stretched out and yawned loudly. He took a look around and was surprised to see his office tidied up. He took a closer look at his desk and noticed that his 'to do' pile was considerably smaller. Bills were paid, lists were drawn, artifacts were safely tucked away and the mug that had been resting on his desk for days was gone. The whole scenery reeked of Ianto's presence but the man himself however, was nowhere to be found.

Suddenly he heard shouting coming from outside his office and in a rush of panic he thought something had happened to Gwen. As he walked out, he saw Gwen fully awake but still laying silently on the sickbed. Tosh held back a furious Owen who seemed to be not only shouting at Ianto but also throwing stationary at his head. Ianto didn't do anything to turn away and let the insulting words wash over him. Like a defeated dog, cowering away in the corner.

"Owen, I am sorry. You have no idea …" Ianto stammered in a soft voice.

Owen took two steps forward, getting dangerously close to Ianto, who had tensed up but not shied away. "You sodding piece of shit. What the hell do you know about being sorry? You only care about yourself. You NEVER even thought about how this would effect any of us did you?"

Tosh stood in between Owen and Ianto, both her hands resting on his chest. "Owen, calm down." she urgently said.

Ianto let out a small whimper, but neither colleagues heard it. "Owen, I didn't think …"

"Well that's the understatement of the bloody year. Of course you didn't THINK! You sure as hell got some nerve showing your fucking face around here. If it weren't for Jack, everyone would've been killed and I don't mean just the hub. EVERYONE. The whole fucking world. You and your goddamned girlfriend. You betrayed us. And what for? Because we didn't NOTICE you? Guess what tea-boy, we do know. And I honestly wish Jack had pulled the trigger when he could."

"Owen please, I'm just trying to help out wherever I can. Tosh please tell me you understand."

Suddenly Toshiko spun round. "No, I don't understand Ianto. And I told you before. This is hardly the time for this. You should have known better. You damn well knew that coming in would upset us all."

"And the last thing we need now is you making things worse for everyone!" Owen added.

"That's enough."

Jack's voice was calm but firm and it sounded through the hub. Owen stopped raging, and Tosh returned to holding him back, her hands less forcefully around his neck and more into a hug. Ianto on the other hand, still sat on the desk, arms crossed and staring into the distance with clear tears dancing on his lashes.

"Ianto go make coffee." Jack continued.

"Wait, one last thing." Owen said. He withdrew his hand and all of the sudden lunged at the unsuspected Ianto. The fist landed just below his left eye and it was forceful enough to send Ianto tumbling on the ground.

Jack was by Owen's side in a heartbeat. He grabbed him by his collar and prevented him for further attacking Ianto. "My office now!." Jack ordered angrily.

He held out his hand to Ianto and pulled him up. "You alright?" Jack asked.

Ianto let out a whimper and rubbed his cheek vigorously.

"You might want to put some ice on that …" Jack stated.

"I can't do this." Ianto cried. He snapped his hand back from Jack and ran as fast as he could towards the big cog door.

Jack groaned and grabbed Owen's jacket and took a few steps towards the cog door.

"Let him be." Toshiko said.

Jack turned to face her and he smiled at her. "He's upset."

"I know but he needs to work through this on his own. Besides, Owen needs to calm down first. If you come back in with Ianto, he'll punch him again."

"Tosh, track his cell phone anyway, I want to talk to him later on."

Jack elegantly walked into his office, sat down on his chair and stared at Owen.

"I'm not going to apologize for it Jack."

"I know and I'm not asking you to. He did wrong. Very wrong. But remember why he did. Of all people I thought you were going to go easy on him."

"What made you think that?" Owen shot back.

"Because I'd figure you'd understand. I remember a guy who did everything he could to save a certain girl named Katie. And if you had the knowledge and means he had, maybe you would have done the same thing. Is that such a hard thing to believe?" Jack asked.

"I'd never put my friends in such danger! And you … you're just letting him back in here! As if nothing happened!"

"No, I didn't. He chose to come in and help us out. Owen, look around. He's been running the place for the last couple of hours whilst everyone else has been crashing. He's helping. He's not a lost cause."

"He still shouldn't be allowed back in. He's a liability."

"Owen! What would you have me do? Fire him? Leave the kid without a job and a place to go to? Retcon him? Take away his mind? The only thing he has? The only few memories that are keeping him going? Or maybe you'd feel better if I executed him! He's 23 Owen! He's barely out of his teens! Could you honestly pull the trigger on a kid? On a kid who has lost his security blanket? I know that even you aren't that cold. You've worked with him for nearly a whole year, could you easily let him go like that?"

"Maybe not … but he still shouldn't be here!"

Jack rolled his eyes. "You've been to Canary Wharf! You may not have witnessed the battle itself but you've seen the aftermath. YOU KNOW how bad things were. Well, Ianto … he's seen it all. He's lost so much that day. Please, just think. What else can I do?"

"I don't know." Owen mumbled.

"Believe me, I'm not letting him of easy. But he doesn't even realize what is happening to him. He's running on automatic. He's been traumatized. As much as a liability he is to us, how is he going to react if I fire him? And look around. How has he been acting today? See the good in him! He's not evil, he's just a kid who has lost his way because some really shitty things have happened to him and we don't even know half of it! Have you actually talked to him? He's so sad Owen. It breaks my heart to see anyone of my staff so hurt."

His voice trailed off and he felt his eyes water. "I see Gwen is better. Go see if you can do something for her."

He left Owen to ponder his words whilst he walked out of the office. He hastily grabbed his greatcoat and asked Toshiko where Ianto was skulking around.

"The bay. He's just standing there. Got him on CCTV."

"Okay," Jack said without even glancing at the CCTV. "Be back in a sec."

Jack strode through the Plass and felt the wind sweep around him. He pulled his coat closer to him and shivered as the icy raindrops stung on his cheeks. He looked up at the sky and saw the dusk settling in. The heaven's had opened up and the rain poured down onto the ground, soaking Jack within minutes. The wind howled around the Plass and a creepy feeling came over him as he heard the thunder rumbling above his head. A lightning flash temporarily lit up the streets, causing them to glow eerily. He looked out into the sea and saw the waves crashing against each other. A deadly storm was brewing, much like the atmosphere inside his beloved hub.

He reached the bay and stopped right behind Ianto. Jack noticed he had his hands tightly fisted around the railings, his knuckles turning white. His frame seemed delicate in his rain-drenched clothes, shivering and trembling with every breath the young man took.

"Ianto, let's get inside. You're soaked to the bone."

"They're never going to forgive me, are they? They never will."

_**Forgiveness. Is that what I really want? I want them to stop hating me like that. I can't blame them. I deserve everything they throw at me. I'm not even worthy of their shadows. I'm nothing. **_

_**Would I do something different?**_

Jack shuddered at the heartbreak shining through the words. Because it was raining so much, he hadn't noticed that the young man was crying. But the broken voice left little to the imagination.

"I tried to do what I could. What kind of a person would I be if I had just left her to die? What kind of a boyfriend would I've been? I have lost so many people that day, I'd be damned if I'd lost her. But they're right. Everything Owen said. He was right. How could they forgive me? They shouldn't. They won't."

"Ianto, please. Let's get you inside."

Jack put a calming hand on Ianto's trembling shoulder and he gently turned him around.

"Come on, you're not even wearing a jacket. You're going to catch a cold or worse if you stay out here for too long."

Ianto's reply came in a sob. Jack let Ianto rest his head on his shoulder as he gently stroke the back of his neck. "Shht, we'll work it out okay. But come on, we need to get you inside."

He guided Ianto back to the hub, holding him tightly and caressing his shaking shoulders.

As they entered, Jack noticed Toshiko and Owen shying away from the pair.

"Jack?" a faint voice said.

"Gwen, be right there."

Jack was torn. He stood between two people who desperately needed his help. Ianto and Gwen both looked at him expectantly.

Suddenly, Ianto lowered his eyes and whispered. "Go to her. Never mind me."

_**She's far better than I'll ever be. You should be with her. I'm the last person you should be with.**_

"Ianto!"

"It's okay. She's been through enough. I'll just go dry off or something."

"There's some clothing in my locket you can borrow. And Ianto … coffee please?" Jack asked, wondering if perhaps brewing some coffee and getting him back to work might relieve Ianto of his worry.

* * *

Note: So, we've had Tosh and Owen both confronting Ianto, next up is Gwen. Thing is, I can't decide on her point of view. Should she be nicer to Ianto than Tosh and Owen and kind of be on his side? Or rather an angry Gwen, so that Jack is the only ally Ianto has in the hub? Would do you guys think?


	10. Chapter 10

Note: Next installment is up! Hope you like it.

Voting is open for the Children of time- award but unfortunately, because there were so many nominations in my category "WIP" the story has to be carried over to the next round. That one will start on march the 5th. Even though I am a bit sad that it was taken from the nominees, I still would like to wish the nominated authors all the best and I would like to urge you to vote anyway. Support Torchwood Fanfiction!

And also a little thank you to whoever nominated me. I don't know who or what, but still, a huge thank you.

* * *

Jack saw Ianto's frame stiffen as the Captain strode towards the coffee machine, his footsteps sounding louder with every step he took. "It's just me."

"A-a-are you rested sir? I didn't get a chance to ask before…" Ianto stammered.

Jack could hear the tears in his words but glancing at his profile he could not see a trace of them. He was not so much holding them back but rather not allowing them through, biting his lower lip until it bled to help him restrain himself.

Jack sat on a little table behind Ianto, observing the young archivist as he washed up some dirty cups. "Slept like a baby." he responded.

"Good. And Gwen sir? How is she?"

"She's fine. The wound is healing nicely. She has to stay off her feet for a few weeks but she'll be fine. Already screaming for coffee. How about you. You ok? Owen sure knows how to blow up. You feeling better now that you're out of those wet clothes?"

"I'm fine sir. Besides it's not like I didn't have it coming."

_**What a laugh. I deserve that and far more. Owen was holding back, I know he was.**_

_**A punch for attempted murder. Yeah, sounds about right. **_

Jack approached Ianto, sensing the boy was about to break. He ran his hands from the small of his back to his shoulders, rubbing them until the tension left. He trailed his fingers over his arms and snaked around his waist. Ianto leant back into the touch, relishing the comforting motion of Jack's hands.

Jack brought his hands up to Ianto's chest and rested them in the middle, his palms softly pressing just above Ianto's heart. In the silence of the moment, he could feel the rhythmic beating of the heart against the sensitive skin of his palm.

_**Oh god, he's so close. I can feel him all around, all that Jack-ness. Why is he doing this? **__**Why isn't he yelling and screaming?**_

"Ianto, go easy on yourself. It's hard enough mourning a loved one. No need to add guilt. And thank you."

Jack felt Ianto tremble under his touch and his heart was beating furiously underneath his palms.

"Thanks? For nearly killing you? Betraying you? For what sir?" Ianto replied, his voice getting higher with every question he asked.

"For today Ianto. You stepped in without anyone asking you and basically ran the hub."

"Part of my job sir."

"Maybe, you didn't HAVE to, did you? You didn't have to come in or help Owen … you didn't have to help me bathe or sleep."

"Least I could do sir."

"Jack" the Captain whispered.

"What?"

"Least I could do, Jack. No one else calls me sir. So why should you? And I've told you this so many times before!"

The coffee machine hissed, warning them that the coffee was done brewing.

Ianto jumped at the sound and walked away from Jack. He let the coffee simmer for a second before pouring in the cups.

"Stop, Ianto. Just for a second stop."

"Sir, the coffee."

"Let the damn coffee wait, this is important." He walked up to the man and cupped his face with his hand, forcing Ianto into eye contact.

"Please Jack." Ianto breathed as tears were running down his face.

"Hey," Jack soothingly said. "Talk to me kid. Tell me what's on your mind."

"I can't"

"Sure, you can. A burden shared is a burden halved …Go on, I'll listen. Help me understand."

"I don't want that burden to be yours. Not after …"

"Kid, come on. I'm here for you. Just like I am every single time Owen or anyone else fucks up. I'm here and I'm listening. So go on … you'll feel better and so will I."

"I find it hard … to do anything. I keep replaying everything in my head. What I should've done, what could've happened …"

" 'If's' aren't going to help you deal with this …"

"I realize that … but I just can't help it. I can't stop thinking about it. It's haunting me every second. Everything is just so confusing. I don't even know how I'm feeling. Or what it is. And everyone here hates me. They'll never forgive me."

"It's going to take some time … the wounds are still very fresh. And remember, people can always surprise you."

Ianto suddenly began laughing through his tears, causing Jack to frown. "She was a lot like you, you know."

"In what way?"

"She was also firm and strict. But also kind. Very kind. And she was funny. She always could make me laugh with her silly jokes. She was charming as well. She could charm the pants off everyone if she wanted."

"Sounds like someone I know!" Jack responded, a little sly smile crossing his face.

"Yeah … she … she never took advantage of that. Oh well, that is a lie. She did when she needed money for her charities. See, she worked for two charities … one for neglected and disadvantaged kids and one helped pets with no homes. That's the kind of person she was. She worked so hard to help others and never asked anything in return."

"I think I would've liked her, you're right."

"You know what's the worst?"

"Tell me."

"We joined Torchwood to help other. And those things … they stripped her from everything that made her so beautiful … from everything that I loved about her and they turned her into a shell, a murdering machine. And I … I didn't even notice. I protected that thing. How could I not have noticed that my beautiful girl was empty and so dark? What sort of a person doesn't even notice that the woman he loves has changed that much?"

"Okay, listen to me Ianto. I need you to hear me. I know those things. And as horrible as it may sound, those creatures had her memories … it knew who you were and what you meant for each other. It knew how to work you. And it used every inch of information it could find to get what it wanted. And you protected it because you thought it was her. I believe you when you say that."

"Sir … even after she had killed that poor doctor … I still defended her. What does that say about me?"

"Nothing. You hear me? It says nothing about you. That thing never acted out like that before. I bet she was acting just like your girl, wasn't it?"

"No, not until …"

"Ianto, She threw you across the hub … Lisa would never have done that. She wouldn't leave you unconscious face down in water for you to drown!"

"I did nearly drown," he said between sobs … "And you gave me the kiss of life."

"Yes I did."

"You revived me, I was in a bad shape."

"Yes you were."

"Why? Why did you help me? I was doing my best to stop you, even though I realized what the consequences would be. I punched you. I called you a monster. Even after what I did. You could have left me there to die but you didn't."

Jack held him that little bit tighter and Ianto hugged right back, desperate for any kind of human contact.

"Do you wish I had?" As he said those words Jack pulled away from the hug, but stayed close to the younger man and entwined his fingers with Ianto's .

The young man averted his eyes.

_**I can't even look at you. I really can't. How can you? I don't deserve your understanding, support and kindness. Why aren't you shouting at me? Why would you even care what happens to me? I failed you and I failed Lisa! I'm nothing but a grim shadow of what I used to be. **__**Of what I planned to be. And yet you're here helping me through this dreadful day. Why? Why are you being so kind when it hurts? Of all people, why is it you? Why can you be so nice to me when you're still so angry? **_

"Yes … no … maybe. I don't know. I just want it to stop." He rubbed his forehead forcefully. His brain was throbbing painfully against his head.

"Too many people have lost their loves because of Canary Wharf and I will not let this destroy you. You hear me? You'll get better. You'll get there, just take your time."

"I'm the monster, not you." Ianto suddenly snapped.

"Don't talk like that kid. Come on. This isn't doing you any good. It'll get better I promise. Remember it's only been two days. Everything is still very fresh in the mind."

"There's one other thing you have in common with her." Ianto proclaimed, a sad smile dancing on his lips as a single tear rolled down his flushed cheek.

"What's that?"

"Like you, she never stopped hoping. Even when things were really bad, she was still smiling. That day … we lead a group of ten people outside. And she was a rock. Telling everyone it was going to be okay. Telling us to keep our heads up and eyes low. Even when we were amongst screaming colleagues, burnt flesh and corpses building up in the corridor, she never lost faith. We were almost out and then … that thing … just grabbed her. As if she was nothing. The others pulled me away and got me outside… but I had to go back in. I knew the fight was over so there could be a chance that she made it through. That's when I found her … I walked through the door and saw her, bleeding and screaming. I'll never forget the terrified look in her eyes. And the hopeful smile when she saw me. She must've thought I could save her…"

"Ianto … I'm so sorry."

"I still remember every detail of the day. Everything, I play it over and over in my head. I dream about it, every night. It won't leave me."

"There's a pretty scientific term for that … it's called post traumatic stress disorder."

"You think I have that?"

"I don't think it, I know it. Let's see … nightmares, almost night terrors, flashbacks, avoidance of places and topics, physical symptoms like insomnia, irritability and anger, excessive reaction to fear … sound familiar? I've been to war Ianto. I've seen my friends die in front of me, I know what it's like. So everything you're going through … is normal for someone who's been traumatized. But I can help you okay? I just need you to talk to me. Now dry your tears. Gwen was asking about you, wanting to know how you were, and she'd really like her coffee. Besides, you need to ice Owen's handprint …"

Ianto sniveled and blew his nose with a napkin. He looked up in Jack's blue eyes and gave him a nod. "Time to bite that bullet as well then."

"You can do this. You're stronger than you think. And for the record, I am sorry for your loss."

"Thank you." Ianto whispered, blinking through his unshed tears.

"From the way you described her, she sounded really lovely. I'm not surprised you fell for her."

Ianto snorted fondly. "Like a brick."

Jack gently wiped away a lingering tear with his thumb. "Every person should be mourned. So take your time to grieve her."

Ianto looked up and for the first time, he met Jack's gaze and truly connected.

"But now, off you go to do your job." Jack ordered in his typical 'bossy' voice. "Gwen needs looking after and she did request to see her, undoubtedly, favorite Welshman. After Rhys of course."

Jack was lost in thoughts for a second. Suddenly he turned on his Harkness-charm and winked obscenely at Ianto, who stood nailed to the ground. With a flirtatious tone he added: 'Rhys and maybe Gethin Jones'.


	11. Chapter 11

Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews and tips. Greatly appreciated! Part 1 of Ianto-Gwen conversation :)

* * *

Jack walked away from Ianto, his greatcoat flowing gracefully around him.

Ianto closed his eyes and took a deep breath, the heaviness of the day was taking his toll on him.

_**Will this day ever end? I'm so tired, I could sleep for eternity. **_

_**Eternity. That's how long Lisa will sleep. She'll never wake up but I will. And once again I will be confronted with the mere fact that I have to go on without her. **_

_**I want go home but I don't know where that is. The flat is so empty. Just me.**_

_**Here … at least there's people around. And stuff to do. At least Jack's here. A somewhat friendly person to talk to. But even then … I don't belong here. Not in the place that reeks of death and betrayal. My fault, always my fault. **_

_**I'm tired and restless. Everything hurts, inside and out. Like rats gnawing at my skin, my insides, my heart. I want to run but I can't. I want to sleep but I can't. I want to eat, but I can't. All I can do is cry, like a sodding little boy.**_

He shook his head to clear his thoughts. "Get on with it Jones, coffee." he said to himself.

But one whiff of the aroma was enough to make him sigh. Better go tell Gwen the bad news.

He took a deep breath, gathered some courage and walked towards the medical bay.

"Ach an hurtyn ffola, Ianto Jones." (_you are a stupid fool, Ianto Jones_) Gwen said as she heard Ianto approach, her eyes fixated in front of her.

Ianto suddenly froze mid stairs, staring at her with dull and empty eyes. "I … I came to tell you that I'm making some coffee for you. Had a batch done but I burnt it. So I had to start over."

Gwen stared back at him, her eyes intense and fierce. "Of all the people in this godforsaken place, I thought you would be the last one to cock things up this badly." she hissed. "I guess I was wrong."

"Gwen, I …"

"No, you don't get to talk Ianto. We heard you loud and clear. Now you listen."

Gwen crossed her arms over her chest and kept her glare firmly on him, refusing to break eye contact and daring him to speak. Ianto remained demure and silent as always, his eyes darting from Gwen to the floor.

Gwen inhaled deeply, the sound of her breath intake audible to Ianto. "You've shown no consideration for anyone else but yourself. You acted rashly and without even THINKING about what could have happened. You betrayed us in such a horrible way that I don't know how to get around it."

The words were articulated precisely and spoken with an eerie calm, sending shivers down Ianto's spine.

"You lied, deceived and hurt us so badly. Your own friends, Ianto. How could you have done this?" Gwen continued, the tone of her voice getting more heated as she spoke. "Even if you really believed she could be saved, you must've realized that there was a small chance that this might turn badly. Why on earth did you not trust us? Or Jack? He's always been there to save the day. With all his knowledge and power … if there was anyone who could have helped her, it was Jack. But no, you decided it was better to keep your fucking mouth shut."

Ianto averted his eyes and let her angry voice wash over him. In the corner of his eyes, he saw Owen approaching and listening in on the conversation. His heart sank but he was grateful that the medic stayed silent.

"Do you even realize that you could have hurt us?" Gwen inquired, her eyes wandering over Ianto's fragile frame as if she was expecting him to respond. "Or killed us?"

Ianto winced at the words, the memories far too fresh in his mind.

Gwen refused to acknowledge the hurt in Ianto's eyes and kept speaking. "You put the whole planet at danger! The same planet we work day and night at to protect. There's only 5 of us! We need to stick together and we need to back each other up. Or else we're all doomed to fail and die in this place. Aliens, I get! But one of our very own to put us in mortal danger. No, that was just beyond me. What you did, is unacceptable and inexcusable. You showed a huge lack of judgment and respect. I don't know what you were thinking even contemplating keeping her here. There are no words to describe how angry I am with you. How angry and hurt I am by what you did and how you treated us. The lack of respect, loyalty and trust. How could you? I thought you were smarter than this, but I guess I was wrong. As far as I'm concerned, I think you deserve that punch. That and more."

She hissed through her teeth, finally breaking eye contact and looking away. "You, Ianto Jones, are wrong. Very, very wrong."

"What can I do to make this up to you Gwen?" Ianto asked silently, his voice shaking with emotion.

"You can start by getting me some bloody coffee. I've only had water to drink."

Owen strode past Ianto on the stairs and glared angrily at him. He checked Gwen's vital signs and noticing the blood pressure raising, he hissed. "Get out of here before you cause any more damage."

With big steps, Ianto fled the medicine bay. He ran across the hub, not knowing where he was going and just letting his feet take over. He ran for several minutes, occasionally bumping against the walls or doors of the darkened tunnels of the lower levels of the hub. His vision was clouded by the stream of tears that were cascading from his eyes. Suddenly he stopped as he reached the ending of the tunnel.

Unknowingly and unwillingly, he found himself in front of the room he had nursed Lisa in.

The doors were wide open and in the middle of the room stood the cyberconversion unit, powerless and deadly empty. The floor and walls were still stained with blood, turning the grey tiles a sickening crimson. The air still smelled of her, of melted metal, blood and the overpowering stench of death.

It penetrated every fiber of Ianto's body and mind, causing bile to rise. He started shaking uncontrollably and unable to hold his own weight, he slumped to the ground, resting his broken frame against the heavy door.

_**My Lise, you really are gone. How did we get to this point? **_

_**I never got to say … goodbye …**_

In the distance he heard footsteps approaching but they were lost in the background as memories of his betrayal and her death became prominent in Ianto's eyes.

_**I never meant for this to happen to you. I should've been faster, smarter … better. For you.**_

_**My princess, I stand at your grave and I can't even remember the last time we were peaceful together. I've failed you and I'm sorry. **_

He was vaguely aware of a person sitting across from him, breathing deeply against the silence of the corridor. Ianto closed his eyes and pushed all of the memories and emotions away.

_**Enough, I've had enough. No more memories, no more torture. Just a little break of sweet nothingness.**__** I need to get away, run. **_

A voice interrupted his thoughts. A voice he had not expected to hear.

"I've lost my fiancée a few years ago." Owen stated calmly, the anger he had felt before ebbing away and replaced by utter exhaustion.

Ianto slowly opened his eyes and glanced at the medic, barely 20 centimeters away from him. "You did? I never knew that."

"Yeah, first they thought it was early onset Alzheimer's, then brain cancer. Suddenly she died and I met Jack."

A little gasp escaped from Ianto's lips. "Aliens?"

"Yep. The little shits crawled in her brain and fed on her until they were big enough to be born. They burst out of her skull and split her in two, as if she were nothing. And suddenly, I lost her."

A silent fell between the men, only to be interrupted by Ianto. "I'm sorry for your loss." he softly whispered, barely audible but painfully clear.

"Then there was Jack, who had expertly cleaned up all evidence of foul play. I thought I was going mad. I knew what I saw and yet no one would believe me and there was no way to back up my story. That's when he took me in and gave me a job. A chance to fight back."

"So, you understand?" Ianto warily asked.

"I understand what you're going through. The pain that is tearing you apart. A yawning wound so deep it will never be closed. I understand that you can't do anything but cry. You can't think straight and every little thing sets you off. I understand you are hating every minute you are here and that you can't breath without feeling the world closing in on you. That I get."

Owen paused for a moment, took a deep breath and continued. "The fact that you hid a dangerous creature, even if it is to save someone, I will never understand. If Jack hadn't stopped me, I would've put you in the hospital, gladly and willingly. As far as I'm concerned, you are not welcome and what you did all those months, will never be okay. It will always be twisted and very, very wrong."

"I understand."

"Do you?" Owen scoffed.

"Of course. Even I think you should have kicked me into the hospital." Ianto countered. Owen felt shivers going down his spine as he heard the broken and emotionless tone the younger man was speaking in.

A silence fell again and for a few minutes neither man broke it, both thinking about their deceased loved ones. Ianto wiped away a silent tear and in a low and sad voice, he spoke. "How did you get over it?"

"I didn't. I still miss her. That will never change. I'll never get used to her not being around, not waiting for me before going to bed, not being there when I wake up in the morning. I still sometimes hear her turning the key in the lock." Owen said as a sweet smile played on his lips. "It never gets better and it never goes away. You just learn to live with it."

Owen laughed bitterly. "They all say that time heals wounds but it doesn't. Not for me anyway. I loved her then and I still love her now. And I'm still mourning her passing. And I don't think you'll be any different. The lengths you went to to save her… It'll be tough for you. Even more so because I never screwed my friends over. "

Ianto looked sideways and stared at the grimy floor, the drag marks still visible in the blood. "She was all I had."

"Bullshit. You had us. Now, I'm not even sure. You should've trusted us." Owen snapped.

"What a mess this is."

"Yes, and you're the one that caused it." Owen responded, not angrily or meant to harm, but just stating a fact. "Just be glad that by some miracle, all of us survived. Jack may not have been so … easy if one of us got hurt."

Ianto shifted his legs and cradled them, like a lost boy trying to shut out the world around him. "He's not going easy on me. He's still mad … incredibly mad and disappointed. I don't know which is worse. But so am I."

"Well can you blame him? It's not a secret he's got a thing for you. A blind person can see it. He was fond of you Ianto. And you played him like the little cocktease that you are. He fell for that. He doesn't get fooled easily. But you did it … without even breaking a sweat."

"It's not like that. I never meant to hurt him … Owen, I'm so sorry."

"I'm not the person you should be apologizing to. Now am I? Come on, Gwen has yet to receive that coffee and Jack will put you in the cell with Janet if he finds you here."


	12. Chapter 12

Jack was busy overlooking some files. In the corner of his eye, he saw Ianto and Owen come out of the staircase. He frowned as he saw the pair exchange words, Owen pointing in direction of the medicine bay and Ianto shrugging.

The young archivist returned to his trusted coffee machine and was busy making a new batch of coffee when he heard a polite cough behind him.

Jack watched Ianto work, pouring the amber liquid into Gwen's favorite pink and blue cup. He saw the tormented and twisted expression of Ianto's face and sighed deeply as he realized that maybe not even Gwen could be nice about this.

"How did it go?" Jack said, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence between them.

"How do you think sir?"

"Ianto …"

"No sir, it's fine. I didn't expect anything different. She was right. Of course she was. Every word she said was right and spot on. You can't argue about that. I was a fool to think Gwen would be nice just because she's … different."

_**Better. That's the word. Better than any of us.**_

"Still doesn't make it hurt less." Jack whispered.

"It's not supposed to! They are suppose to be angry with me!" Ianto snapped, nearly shouting. In the distance he saw Toshiko turn her head towards the noise.

Ianto averted his eyes from her and lowered them to the ground. "Sorry sir." he quietly said.

"No, it's ok. This … is good. You need to vent. Just like the rest needs to."

"What I need is hardly a priority right now. How about you? Don't you need to vent? You're far too nice to me."

"I already did vent, Ianto. I've yelled, screamed and swore at you. If I remember correctly I even pinned you to the wall. I've suspended you. The fact that you're here doesn't change that. You're still going to be punished for treason and subordination. But there comes a time were the yelling has to stop."

Jack frowned and leant against the coffee machine. "Today was an unusual situation and if I had my say, you were to be kept out of it. You wouldn't have put a foot in this place until I said so. Not only for their protection, but also for yours."

He searched for Ianto's gaze before continuing. "It must be agonizing for you to even walk around this place. Not to mention the heat you're getting from the team. You're in no condition to be working and as soon as we're organized, you will leave this place. And FYI, even though I don't agree with what you did, I admire your persistence and dedication."

With a sly and perhaps a – bit too – proud smile, Jack added: 'And your efficiency. Not a lot of people can actually con a conman.'

Ianto frowned, not really understanding but he did not push the subject, not wanting to intrude by asking.

Jack rubbed Ianto's shoulders quickly. "And more importantly, I still see so much potential in you. You didn't do it to gain something. Not for power, not for money, not to overthrow my command. You did it to save a human being who was suffering. I just wished you would have trusted me with your secret."

"So do I. I figured I should keep my distance. That way, it would hurt less. It was just easier being the invisible butler."

"And now you are highly visible and that will remain like that for a while. Visible to them and me. I will put you under surveillance, you know."

"I understand."

"Not just for my peace of mind, but for your safety as well. You may not remember this because you were … really drunk but you nearly shot yourself the first night. If I hadn't been there to take the gun away from you … I wouldn't even be having this conversation with you. And that makes a person think twice before shouting their mouths off."

Ianto looked flustered and blushed, ashamed of the revelation of his vulnerability. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"So am I." Jack replied as he started to walk away from Ianto.

"I must be cursed." Ianto murmured, barely a whisper. Jack however caught the words.

"How do you figure?" Jack asked, his eyes dulled in sadness.

Ianto closed his eyes, hoping the question would just linger between them and go unanswered.

"Ianto, why do you think you're cursed?"

"Because everyone I love winds up getting hurt. Either gets killed in a horrible accident, fade away into nothing or end up worse off than before. And that's the best case scenario. You all should get away from me as fast as you can. Before you all end up …"

"Do you really believe that?" Jack asked hurriedly.

"How can I not?"

"Because I don't. You're a good person, Ianto."

"How can I be if I've got the deaths of three innocent persons on my conscience."

"You didn't murder them Ianto."

"Not directly no. But they're gone because of something I did. I might as well have been the one that pulled the trigger."

"You still aren't the one that ended their lives Ianto. Don't ever think that. And Lisa's death is in no way your fault. You do have a part in it but it just happened. Wrong place, wrong time. But I can see why you would feel guilty about it. But try not to dwell on it Ianto. You're barely holding it together as it is. Nothing you can do, will erase that, no matter how much you want it. And just looking at you and the way you're talking gives me the impression that you'll pay for your mistakes. Because of that, you're good. Someone who kills without conscious or remorse, now that is a bad person. But you feel guilty for things you're not responsible for."

Ianto sighed deeply and let his mind wander over the hub. Jack knew by the look on his face that he still didn't believe a word he said. "Try telling that to their families, sir."

Jack took a step towards Ianto and let his fingers travel up and down his arms. Softly Jack pressed his lips against Ianto's whilst cupping his face. "Listen to me. You are worth fighting for. Never forget that. I won't stop fighting for you until you are recovered from this."

Jack rested his forehead on Ianto's and closed his eyes. "And thank you for caring today Ianto. Even though I know your heart is breaking every second you breathe, you still cared. And that … that is truly amazing."

Jack pulled him into a hug and felt Ianto's arms wrap themselves around his waist. Quietly Ianto broke down in the arms of the captain. The same hands that pulled the trigger to end his lover's life were running up and down his back, offering love, concern and comfort.

"Try talking to Gwen again, okay?" Jack soothingly whispered.

"Why? She made her feelings perfectly clear. And I'd rather not be caught in another argument, I feel like a bloody deer during hunting season."

"No one said making amends was easy."

"I know sir. But I just … need a break. No more yelling. Please, no more. Just for a while. My head hurts. Everything hurts. I just need some rest."

"Ianto don't you think …"

"Coffee's ready sir. Better get on with it." Ianto interrupted as he suddenly broke free from the embrace. "Better not let it get cold."

Ianto walked away from Jack, leaving him behind to worry about the sudden and unexpected change in his youngest employee.

Ianto strolled back to the autopsy bay with a clattering cup of coffee in his hands. He put the cup down by Gwen's side, avoiding eye contact and quickly turned on his heels, desperately trying to avoid another altercation.

"You must've really loved her." Gwen suddenly said.

"Sorry?" Ianto asked. He had expected another rant but not those words.

"To do all those things, to be so desperate to save her. You must've really loved her."

Gwen stared at Ianto, no longer with angry eyes. For the first time she thoroughly observed him. She let her eyes wander over his face, pale but flushed with red rimmed eyes and heavy bags underneath them. In contrast to his usual immaculate appearance, he seemed unkempt wearing his baggy clothes, messy hair and a generous five o'clock shadow showing through. His body seemed to shiver and tremble continuously, hands shaking as they forcefully placed the cup on the table. More worrying than that, was the empty and tired expression on the face that usually had at least a polite smile.

In that minute, Gwen felt her heart break. 'The poor lamb. He's been walking around crushed all day long with the world on his shoulder and all he got was criticism and punches. Poor thing seems to be unspooling pretty fast. Look at him, he's the picture underneath the word miserable.'

"Sit down, Ianto." Gwen softly said as she pointed towards the chair beside her, usually occupied by Owen.

Ianto hesitantly seated himself next to her. He nervously fiddled with his hands and he resolutely stared at the floor.

Gwen reached out and stroke his hair back. "You've shown so much dedication to her. You've fought so hard for her. I can't even bare to think the agony you went through and undoubtedly are going through. You've proved me wrong."

"What do you mean." Ianto said as he snapped his head up, meeting her gaze.

"I thought I was the only one in this place who knew how to love. Everyone seemed so cold and so lonely. But you … you fought your way through hell to get her here with very little hope of recovery. You've shown so much love, compassion and loyalty to her."

Ianto placed his forehead on the bed, silently weeping into the duvet as he balled his hands into fists. Gwen kept stroking the hairs gently, offering a small amount of support.

"Promise me one thing sweetheart. Don't let this beat you. If you were able to love so strongly, you shouldn't lose that."

"It's hard Gwen. Everything is so difficult. The simplest task seem impossible. I can't even breath without aching."

"I know. Losing your lover like that … I can't even imagine it. I know I'd be devastated if I ever lost Rhys. It's hard enough mourning someone you love but losing them in such a violent and pointless way, it's just terrible. I'd scream and shout at the world and I think I'd do anything to save him. So I guess what I'm trying to say is … if there ever was a time that Rhys got hurt and there was a way to save him. Even the slightest chance that he would be returned to me, I'd take it despite the consequences. I'd fight as well. As hard as I could and I wouldn't think twice about it. I'm not saying you did the right thing, because you didn't. You fucked up badly sweetheart but I understand why you did it. I don't think I'd be any different."

Gwen urged Ianto to rest next to her stomach, all the caressing him, knowing that physical contact usually helped to soothe.

"I'm so tired Gwen. So tired."

"Then sleep for a while pet. I'll help you chase away the monsters."

"Monsters … I called Jack that. But … it's me, the monster. I can't get it out my head. Lisa dead, Annie … oh god, she was barely 19. All that blood …"

"Hush pet. Close your eyes. Take a minute to calm down. Think about something else, okay? You're hurting yourself even more like this."

Ianto let his heavy eyelids fall shut, relishing the moment of peace and the rhythmic caresses. Resting his head on a warm bed with a gently and soothing hand chasing away the ghosts, he felt his breathing slow down and soon he found himself drifting away.

* * *

note: cookies for those who spot the doctor who reference!


	13. Chapter 13

Note: I apologize for the long pause. I had troubles finding the right words for this chapter! This is the penultimate chapter. One more to go and then an epilogue to wrap things up.

PS: I absolutely heart Jack in this!

* * *

"How is it going here?" Owen quietly asked Gwen.

"Ok. My stitches are hurting like a bitch but it's not too bad. You gave me some really good stuff for the pain," Gwen said, grinning dopily. "Ianto seems to have calmed down a bit." she whispered as she stroked Ianto's hair back. "But the poor lamb is so tired he's falling asleep. Could you get him to the couch? Might be a bit more comfortable. And maybe check him over? He's not looking all that well …"

"Sorry?" Owen said. "Have you forgotten what happened last time the two of us were within two feet of each other?"

"Owen …"

"Gwen, no." Owen whispered. "He's not my responsibility. That's Jack's department. Like I said before, I'm far too tired and angry to take care of his sorry ass."

"Owen … please? If not for him, then for me." Gwen tried, unsuccessfully. "Go on. Have a heart. Jack's going to ask you anyway. You still ARE his doctor. Besides, I think he's genuinely ill but just hiding it. "

Owen snorted. "Sounds like him yeah."

"No, not like that. I think he just doesn't want … to bother us?"

Owen glanced at Ianto and back at Gwen. He raised his hands in surrender and sighed deeply. "Fine, whatever gets me home and in bed faster."

Gwen fondly caressed Ianto's hair as she watched him sleep. She gently brushed her hand over his forehead and frowned. "He's burning up, Owen."

Owen moved over to stand next to Ianto. He gently patted his back in an attempt to wake him up.

"Ianto? You with us?" the medic softly asked.

Ianto groaned and slowly opened his eyes, blinking forcefully as the harsh light burnt in his eyes. "Something wrong?" he grumpily asked. "Do you need coffee?"

"Everything's fine Ianto, you were falling asleep and you didn't look very comfortable. And Gwen thought you're getting ill."

Ianto tiredly yawned like a little boy who woke too soon, causing Gwen to smile.

Owen swiftly grabbed a couple of medical devices and faced Ianto. "Right, open wide. I need to take your temperature." the medic ordered.

Ianto frowned, arching his eyebrows, and cleared his throat. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not fine mate. It doesn't take a genius nor a doctor to figure out you're nursing one hell of a hangover. Beside the obvious signs of fever, you're also coming down with a cold, aren't you? I could hear you sniveling from miles."

"Really, I'm fine. You don't need to fuss about me." Ianto replied, his statement contradicting the loud sneeze. "Really, I'm ok."

Owen rolled his eyes sarcastically and hands over a thermometer. "Then humor me, will you?"

Ianto looked chastised and reluctantly placed the medical device in his mouth.

"What did you do to your hand?" Owen asked casually whilst he carefully held Ianto's injured hand in his.

He thought back to the moment he had slammed his fist into the mirror. Wisely, he refrained from telling Owen the truth. "Accident." Ianto mumbled, the thermometer bobbing in his mouth.

"Right. Let's take a look at that."

Owen started to take off the bandage and sighed deeply as the cuts were revealed, tiny shards of glass glistening in the wounds. "You idiot." Owen swore. "You daft welsh idiot. What the hell did you do to yourself."

The medic expertly picked out all the tiny glass fragments and properly sterilized the cuts, causing Ianto to wince and whimper. Lastly he carefully bandaged the hand up again, taking time to do it neatly and without causing too much discomfort. He grasped the sore hand and examined the fingers, frowning as he noticed a silver ring on his ring finger. "You were engaged to her?" Owen asked quietly.

Ianto averted his eyes and nodded, not quite trusting his voice.

_**Until death do us part …**_

Behind them, Gwen gasped and that was enough reason for Ianto to blush, biting his bottom lip to keep himself from breaking down. He felt Gwen's hand on his shoulder, trembling against his skin.

A sudden beep broke the silence and Owen took the thermometer out of Ianto's mouth and glanced at it. "Shocking, you've got a fever. You know what, this won't do." Owen said, shaking his head. "You're getting a full physical."

Ianto started to protest but Owen raised his hands to shut him up. "Knowing Jack, he won't let you leave until you're checked over anyway so let's just get it over with."

* * *

Jack cleared his throat as he approached Ianto who sat on the couch, lazily letting his heavy eyes wander over the hub. Ianto didn't seem to notice Jack nearing and only seem to respond to his presence when he sat down in front of him, sitting on the little bench they used as a coffee table. He startled as Jack's seat broke the silence with a loud screeching noise.

"A little birdie told me that you weren't feeling too well." Jack said.

"Does the little birdie have a cockney accent and a real attitude problem?" Ianto countered. "I'm okay," he resisted, despite the fact he knew he wasn't looking too healthy. "Really."

"Heavy cold, throat-infection, minor chest infection, fever and a nasty cough. Scans also revealed that you've got two broken ribs and bruised hips from your … erm … fall. That's hardly being okay Ianto."

_**Least of my problems sir. If only that was it. Bruises heal but **__**Lisa … how am I suppose to heal from this? Get better? And for what purpose?**_

"It sounds worse than it is sir. Now, can I get you a coffee?" Ianto said, trying to fob off the worried Jack.

Ianto immediately got to his feet to make a cup but he suddenly felt weak; his legs felt like led, his vision blurred with sweat, tears and fatigue and even breathing was hard. He felt himself sway but before he could fall, the Captain held him up. "I've got you. You alright there big boy?"

"Yeah," Ianto hoarsely replied. Just felt a bit …"

"Indisposed?" Jack jokingly asked.

"Something like that yeah."

Ianto regained his posture and tried to walk it off but after two steps he felt his knees buckle and he promptly collapsed to the ground.

Jack was by his side in seconds and helped him up, supporting most of his weight. Ianto dug his fingers into Jack's forearms and held his eyes shut as his surroundings hurriedly twirled around him.

"Am fine, sir. Just a moment of weakness." Ianto resisted, struggling against Jack's embrace and not wanting to give in.

Jack however was not fooled. He held on to a shaking Ianto, not quite trusting to let go. " Shht, hey. It's alright. Don't worry." Jack purred. "I've got you. Lets sit down."

He guided Ianto back to the couch and sat him down whilst Jack took place next to him. The Captain let his eyes wander over Ianto's frame and shook his head with disbelief. "What am I going to do with you Jones?" he uttered. "Ianto … what's going on with you? Why are you resisting so much? It's okay to feel bad and you can't help it if you're ill. Even more so, it's okay that we notice you're not doing well. That way we can take care of you."

"You shouldn't have to take care of me!" Ianto countered angrily, trying to get up but was quickly stopped by Jack.

"And why's that?" Jack asked, fully knowing he was hitting a sore spot.

"Because … because … never mind."

Jack cupped Ianto's face, searching for his gaze. "Because you think you don't deserve the attention? Or the care?" he carefully asked.

"Well I don't." Ianto replied, turning his head from Jack.

Jack placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "And yet here I am. I've brought some supplies for you. Painkillers, antibiotics and some honey."

"Honey?" Ianto curiously asked.

"Home remedy for the throat infection. Kind of smoothens the area." Jack grinned. "Now, come on. Enough is enough." Jack sat down besides Ianto on the couch and draped a purple quilt over the shaking archivist. "Be a good boy and take your medicine."

"Jack … please."

"Ianto, take the painkillers and antibiotics." Jack ordered sternly.

Reluctantly, Ianto took a spoonful of the antibiotics and downed down two painkillers, followed by a spoonful of honey. To his surprise, his throat did feel better afterwards.

"Thank you," he shyly murmured. "It does feel better."

"You're welcome." Jack replied. He brought his fingers to Ianto's chin and forced the younger man into eye contact. "I'm here, okay? Let me take care of you."

"You don't have to." Ianto whimpered.

Jack lovingly smiled at him. "I know, I want to."

"But … I don't want to be a bother."

"You're not."

"I …"

"Hush now," Jack said as he wiped fresh tears of Ianto's cheeks. "You're ill and you've hardly slept in the last thirty hours. You're exhausted and overemotional. Give yourself a break huh?"

Ianto nodded, albeit uncertain. "Thirty hours?" he asked.

"Yeah, 30 hours since you came in at 9 yesterday. And boy did loads happen."

"Day 3" Ianto murmured.

Jack patted Ianto on the back, trying to convey some sort of implicit comfort. "What happened to your hand?" he asked when he noticed the bandage around Ianto's hand.

"I … I … nothing."

"Ianto … spill the beans. What did you do?"

"I punched the mirror …" he softly said.

"Oh Ianto …" he murmured, pulling Ianto in for a hug as he placed feather light kisses into his hair. "You poor thing."

Ianto closed his eyes and reveled into the embrace, soaking up the warmth as much as he could.

"Lets go to my office. It's a lot more quiet in there, you could have a little nap." Jack sighed deeply, cursing himself for not noticing Ianto's ill health even though he had spent time with him. "I told you that you were going to get ill if you stayed in the rain too much. You really do need to start caring for yourself again." he muttered under his breath.

"Go on up, Have you even eaten anything today? Probably not. Office, now. I'll be up with food and drinks in a minute."

"That's okay I'll just grab some…"

"Ianto …"

Ianto looked at his boss who was pointing towards his office. "NOW."

Ianto managed to get upstairs. Barely standing on his feet he let himself fall on the couch. He buried his face in the cushion and let out a sob as all the recent events washed over him. His struggle to get into Torchwood, taking care of Lisa, the discovery of Lisa … her death. Gwen. Tosh. Owen. Jack. The past year has been nothing but unkind to him and now that he had nothing to strive for or worry about, he had time to reflect. So with every memory that sprung to mind, he felt overwhelmed by waves of sadness and grief.

He moved his hand to the table beside the couch to deposit his blue tooth headphone on the table but he felt an unfamiliar steel object. His eyes widened when he realized he was holding Jack's trusty Webley revolver tightly between his hands, the barrel of the gun facing him.

He let his slender fingers caress the cool surface. He was amazed at how light it felt in his hand. How _right _it felt. He felt the desire, he felt it call out to him. Stroking his every being. Telling him that it can all stop. The pain. The noise. The nightmare. Everything could end right this minute.

_**Just one click and it's all done. One little effort and everything is going to be ok. It can all end. No more pain, no more tears. Just one last rebellious act and you can sleep.**_

_Ianto?_

_**Imagine, sleeping again without being haunted by Torchwood London, her face as she died, Owen's gun poking you in the back, Jack's hand around your throat. Do it.**_

_Ianto? What?_

_**Would you rather live with this burden? Knowing you failed? Failed to save her? Knowing you murdered two innocent persons? They'll never forgive you. They'll never love you. HE will never love you.**_

_Ianto, what are you doing?_

A swaying voice make its way to Ianto and he sharply looked up. In front of him stood Jack, hands on his hips and looking at him with a worrisome expression. "I said, what are you doing?"

Jack sat himself down next to Ianto. With a deep sigh, he covered Ianto's hands with his and calmly took the gun out of his hands and back safely into his holster. "That's not an option." he firmly said. "That will never be an option. Not on my watch. I told you this before."

"I wasn't …"

"I know. But you're in pain, ill and exhausted. And you're depressed Ianto. I get that, more than you think. But goddamned, like hell I'm going to stand by and watch you crumble. Too many lives were lost at the battle of Canary wharf and I will not let you ruin your life because of it."

"But sir … it's already …"

"No, it isn't. You're 23 Ianto. You can get back onto the horse."

"Sir …"

"I know. Ianto. I know you've lost her. And I know it hurts. But trust me when I say it gets better. You can't see it now because you're devastated by your loss. But it gets better. One day you will wake up and it'll hurt less. One day you'll think of her less. One day you'll celebrate her life instead of mourning her passing."

With a sharper and harsher tone, Jack added: "And if that doesn't convince you, then don't give up because you still need to make amends. To us. You need to make up your mistake to us. And you need your revenge. If you don't want to live for yourself, then live for us. For your penance. Or else you'll leave this place with a bad conscience. And you will never earn our respect back. Is that what you want? For this to be your last act on earth? One of betrayal, dishonesty and death?"

"No!" Ianto forcefully said.

"Then stop this bullshit. This is the second time I seem to walk in at the right timing. I don't know if I can be there every time you get like this."

"I'm sorry." Ianto mumbled.

"I don't need you to be sorry! I need you to be smart. Now cut the crap and promise me you won't pull this shit on me again!" Jack lashed out.

"I'M SORRY!" Ianto yelled. "I'm sorry I can't do anything right. I'm sorry I was too much of a coward to confront you sooner. I didn't want to lose her and I knew you wouldn't give her a chance. I knew everything about it was wrong and disgusting. But I just couldn't let go of her! So I hid it. I hid it all. Her, myself and every little thing about Canary Wharf. I buried it all and tried to forget it. But it doesn't work that way. Now it's all coming back and it's worse than before! I'm sorry I betrayed your trust. I'm sorry I lied and deceived you. I didn't want to. I wanted to tell you so many times. But I couldn't. I couldn't face up to it. I couldn't face YOU! I'm SORRY, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!"

Ianto got up from the couch and marched around the office. He kicked the dustbin and send it flying across the room. With one swift wipe, he knocked over all the books in Jack's bookcase.

With a heartbreaking sob, he slumped to the ground. "Why does everything have to be so hard? I've always had to fight for everything. Even the little things people take for granted. I've never had something nice just for myself. I never got to be the guy that was surrounded by the people he loves. Because they always walk away. They either die, grow tired of me or just stop caring. Why couldn't she just stay with me? Why did Tad have to leave me? What's the FUCKING point of it all?! Why can't I for once have something that's nice, loving and right? Just for me? Why does it always have to be wrong in the end?"

Jack went to sit next to Ianto and wrapped his arms around him. He felt Ianto struggle against the embrace but the archivist was too exhausted to fight. After a few feeble attempts to break free, he surrender to the hug. Jack kissed Ianto on the forehead and with his right hand, he stroke away the strands of hair that were in Ianto's eyes.

"Why does everything have to be a struggle?" Ianto whimpered lowly.

"Ianto …you showed me the lengths you would go to keep your girlfriend safe. Now I need you to be even stronger. I need you to hang in there and bite through the pain. Every single day. Because remember this, if you fail then I fail. And want to know a secret Ianto Jones, I do NOT like failing. Can I trust you?"

"Yes." Ianto resolutely answered. "Yes, you can."

"I never want to see that again, you hear me?"

Yes," Ianto cried. "I won't do it. I'll stay for you."

"Good."

"Jack … I'm so sorry. I really am. I never meant you any harm. Or anyone else. I just wanted to make it better." Ianto cried, finally completely allowing himself to crumble. Jack cradled him in his arms, offering him a safe haven to let go of all his pent-up emotion.

"I understand. I know you're not a bad person and you only tried to right a terrible wrong. Ianto, It's okay. I forgive you."


	14. Chapter 14

Ianto held on to Jack for dear life, clutching his fingers tightly around the fabric of the Captain's shirt and pressing his face hard against his chest. His sobs echoed around the office and soon drowned out every other sound, except for Jack's constant soothing.

Not many words were said, but Jack understood it all. Every snivel, every cry and every ragged breath that reverberated through his own body.

He knew what it felt like to be so crushed and broken that nothing else exists beside the constant and yawning pain. Because of that, he didn't complain when Ianto screamed, cried and sobbed into his shirt. Neither did he mind that he constantly punched his chest out of sheer anger towards the world.

No, he just held him tight and cradled him, occasionally whispering sweet nothings into his ear as he caressed Ianto, stroked his hair and patted his back until every last drop of tears had been shed.

He held on to him, as long as Ianto wanted. As long as Ianto needed him.

Because he understood. He damned well understood what it felt like to be at the mercy of the cruel world.

He understood that, more than anything else, Ianto needed to feel the presence of another human being. He needed to feel warm and safe in a kind and loving environment. The last months must have been agonizing for the young man, spending most nights caring for his wounded lover alone in that cold, damp and depressing basement relentlessly doing a job that is far beyond his means. By the end, he must have felt as cold as the metal that held Lisa's body together.

**Oh, you poor boy. I hope I'm doing the right thing. Even though I'm still hurting for what you did … how can I just walk away from you? Not with you in my arms like this. I can't! Even more so, I don't want to. I know what you're going through and I know what you need. I just hope that I'm enough. Nothing I say will ease your pain. I really do hope that me being here is helping you. Because I honestly don't know what else to do but hold you. **

As he looked down onto Ianto's tear-stained face, he saw utter desperation and hopelessness. As if the world had given up on him. And as if he had given up on the world.

Jack knew he should still be screaming at him for his betrayal. He had never expected his right hand to turn on him so badly and he was still so very angry, disappointed and hurt by his actions. But holding Ianto in his arms, he could not bring himself to shout. He could barely move, not willing to let go of him in fear of how the recent months would influence the future of Ianto. He daren't think of what would become of this quirky, clever and witty young man if he dared to let go and let him drown in the dark ocean that had become his life.

**I won't let go of you, I promise. **

He also remembered clearly that even though Ianto was distressed, he did the same thing for him. Ianto had hugged him right through the pain and he had refused to let go of the Captain until he was better. That's the one thing Jack will never forget about the youngest employee in his care. He was there for him when no one else was. Now Ianto found himself in the same position, hitting rock bottom with no one to offer a caring shoulder or to mutter kind words, and Jack knew it was his job, or duty even, to give Ianto what he so desperately needed – a friend.

After a good forty minutes, Ianto eased his grip on Jack and let his exhausted body rest in the older man's embrace. Tears still ran over his burning cheeks but the desperate sobbing had stopped. Ianto found himself too tired and too sad to fight against the world like he had done all these months. In that moment, he simply gave up.

_**I raise my hands and I surrender. What else can I loose? Certainly not myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't recognize the man I have become. I don't want to be this person, so full of hatred and sorrow. I don't the want to be the person that betrays the few people that cared for him. Least of all you, Jack! And yet I have, so very easily. But what else could I have done?**_

_**I raise my hands and I surrender. Come what may, I don't care what happens next.**_

He let Jack's gentle and soothing voice wash over him, cradling him into a comforting state of slumber. He closed his eyes and rested his head against Jack's shoulder, reveling in the tenderness of Jack's caresses. He felt Jack's strong arms wrap themselves around his waist, bringing him to a standing position. With effort, he moved along with Jack.

He felt his body relax onto the couch and thick blankets were draped over him, snuggling tightly around him.

"Are you okay?" Jack quietly asked as he rubbed Ianto's shoulder gently. "Can I get you something?"

"No," Ianto responded with a shaking voice. "You've already done so much …"

"Hush Sweetheart." Jack hurriedly said, not wanting to upset the man further. "Hush, you're safe here …"

Suddenly a quiet knock interrupted the conversation. Toshiko walked in carrying a tray.

"I've brought the croissants you asked for, Jack. We still had them from this morning. A bit stale but they should still be good. There are some with cream in it. I know how you liked them, Ianto. And … I've made some chocolate milk …". she said as she locked eyes with him. "I thought you might appreciate that."

"Thank you Toshiko." Jack loudly said. "Tell the others to go home if they want. It's been a long day and night!"

Ianto smiled in thanks and Toshiko nodded. With a demure look on her face, she left Jack's office.

"Remember that you brought me chocolate milk after a difficult mission?" Jack asked whilst sitting down on the floor next to the couch. "You always said that there isn't a worry in the world that can't be solved with a great cup of chocolate milk."

Ianto snorted. "I've said and thought many things that aren't true or are just plain wrong."

"Don't we all?" questioned Jack. "Besides, you were partly right. It may not solve the problem but there is nothing wrong with a cup of comfort."

He picked up the tray and placed it on his lap. He ripped the croissant in bite size pieces and offered it to Ianto.

Ianto looked up into Jack's resolute eyes and saw that eating was not something he could negotiate about. He shrugged and ate the food before him in silence without really tasting it.

Jack observed him carefully. The eyes who he once remembered to be vibrant blue were now sad, empty, tired and still painfully glistening with tears. His cheeks were flushed from strain or possibly the fever and his lips were eerily pale. His skin was grey and heavy bags under his eyes increased the appearance of illness. Jack sighed deeply. He cursed himself for letting Ianto come to this state.

He handed over the hot cup of chocolate milk to Ianto, who gratefully took it. His hands shook badly and the milk threatened to fall from the cup. Jack quickly cupped Ianto's hands and guided the steaming hot milk to his lips. Ianto took a small sip and winced as the hot liquid burnt his tongue and throat.

"Too hot?" Jack asked.

"Bit. Tastes good though."

"Yeah?" Jack exclaimed, his face suddenly lightening up.

Ianto nodded and smiled but his eyes remained dull.

Ianto broke open another croissant and flinched as the cream-filling oozed out of the pastry.

Jack wiped away a fallen tear of his cheek and frowned. "What's wrong? Are you ok?"

"Yes. No." Ianto answered. "I never really liked fillings. That's Owen. I also know Gwen likes bacon sandwiches. And Toshiko would rather have cornflakes than pastries for breakfast. And you're not too fussy about what you eat. But I … I never liked cream-fillings. I stay clear from them any way I can. Haven't eaten them since I was 6. I guess Tosh just … forgot."

In the spur of the moment, Jack undid the necklace Ianto had given him. "Here, I think you might need this more than I do… You told me this gave you strength when you need it. So hang on to this, okay?" Jack murmured. "Here have my pastry. No filling! I promise."

Ianto whispered a polite 'thank you' and gratefully took the cream-less pastry.

Jack sighed deeply. "We really screwed up with you, didn't we?"

"I guess I'm to blame as well. It's not like I could … afford to be noticed."

"But still, you were right. We never did ask you anything. Never, not even once. I should've. Even in hindsight it was clear that you were struggling with something. And day in, day out … we never noticed. We all just took you for granted. And you … you just suffered on your own. Without a friend in sight."

An uncomfortable silence fell between the two men. In the distance, Myfanwy squawked happily from her nest. It didn't escape Jack's attention that Ianto flinched every time she was present in any way. Each time she flew over their heads or squawked, he would jump up or whimper. Not even a week ago, he'd happily go to her nest and feed her. Jack had even caught Ianto caressing her beak on a rare occasion. He was amazed at how easily the ancient dinosaur had trusted him. Whenever anyone else came anywhere near her, she's scare them away by flapping her huge wings. 'Must be the dark chocolate', Jack thought.

As Ianto ate the last bit on the plate, Jack smiled fondly. "Not the biggest lunch I've seen you eat but no use in forcing you. Unless you want more?"

"No. Not very hungry." Ianto replied.

"You do need to eat. You nearly collapsed there."

'I know sir … I just can't be arsed about myself right now. I'm so used to worrying about others that I've forgotten myself. Or something like that. And now, nothing seems important."

"Good thing I'm here then huh kid."

Ianto tried to smile in response but it just felt and looked unnatural.

"Would you rather be home?" Jack asked. "I could drive you."

"No. I've got nothing there. It's just an empty flat with no one around. At least here I can be useful. Even if it is only to make coffee. That I can do. I can't do much, but that I can do."

"Ianto … you shouldn't speak about a member of my staff like that." Jack jokingly said. "Or more important, you shouldn't talk about my friend like that."

Ianto shrugged. "Unless I'm in the way. If I'm bothering you, I'll just leave. I know no one wants me here so maybe it is best if I just go home."

"No, no. It's fine. We're the only ones left at the hub. I told everyone to go home remember? Owen drove Gwen and Tosh home so they're all okay. Even more, all alerts have been forwarded to UNIT for the day. Besides, I think I will stay by your side today. No one should be alone during such a difficult time."

He went to sit behind Ianto and gently pulled him into a hug, encouraging him to lean up against his chest. He placed a small kiss in his hair as he pulled the blanket up to Ianto's shoulders, tucking him in neatly again. He drew circular patterns on his belly and when he noticed Ianto's fingers digging into his forearms, he soothingly whispered: 'It's ok Ianto, I've got you. You're not alone in this, I'm right here.'

"What am I suppose to do now, Jack?" Ianto sobbed.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You just lay here and you cry. Let me do the worrying for you, you just concentrate on yourself, on healing. I'll care for you."

"Even though I …"

"Unconditionally. You're one of my staff and once you were my friend. I'm not going to turn my back on you, no matter how angry and disappointed I am. We'll work it out later. But right now, the important thing is that you get healthy and back on your feet."

Ianto turned his head and buried himself in Jack's neck. Jack shivered as he felt Ianto's hot breath caressing the sensitive skin. He placed a kiss on his head and inhaled deeply, soaking up the peach scented shampoo Ianto had used. "For a while you will be sad, you'll grieve her and cry. A lot. Little by little, it'll get better. And then, you start living again. A rebirth. You'll crawl your way out of the darkness and you will bathe in sunlight again. And you'll come back … stronger, fiercer and better."

"I don't know, I really don't know if I can."

"Of course you can. I believe in you. And I'll be there. Every step of the way. Anytime you need me, you just call me. Anything you need." Jack paused for a moment. "I won't leave you. No matter what life throws at us, I'll have your back."

"I hope you don't. There isn't anyone else …"

"Shht. Don't think about it. I'm here in this very moment and I'm holding you. You can talk to me and trust me."

"Is it all bad out there sir?"

"Out there in the big universe?" Jack asked. "No, it's not all bad. You've just had the misfortune of meeting the most horrible creatures in the universe. So vile and cruel with nothing but assimilation on their mind. In their perspective there is one superior kind and that's them. Their way of helping is eliminating everything they see as a weakness. Idiots. Mass murder means nothing to them if it means earth could be the new colony of the cyberman-race. And I wished I could say they're the worst but they aren't. There are far worse creatures out there than the cybermen. Creatures as ancient as the universe itself, lurking in the shadows and waiting for their unknowing prey to walk by. Terrifying races spread across the stars obliterating world after world for the pure sake of glory, money or revenge."

Jack paused for a minute. He pushed away his own terrifying memories and swallowed audibly. "But there is also so much goodness and beauty. I've seen so many things. Wonderful things. A world made out of ice with seas frozen midst wave, a planet made of starlight, a place where the air is so light that a human can actually fly, a world where the lakes are golden and the sky is silver! Oh If only I could have the chance to show you!"

"Is that what you're fighting for? For all of that?"

"Oh yes! All that beauty. Oh you should see the human race in the future! Standing tall amidst Gods, fighting for their future! We humans ALWAYS fight and we always survive, no matter what shit we're up against!"

"Sounds great."

"It is! How about you Ianto? What are you fighting for?"

"I fight for others. I fight to keep them with me, safe and healthy. But I keep failing. I fought for her. All those months. I tried so hard to keep her away from any further harm. But the pain, she was in so much pain, Jack. It hurt so much just to see her suffer like that. I fought for her, to keep her safe and now … it was all in vain. I fight for others but no one seems to think I'm worth fighting for."

"Oh Ianto. I think you are. And so did Lisa. She hung on to her humanity all those months for you. Even in the end, she seemed to recognize you. Even in the end she told you she loved you."

"It wasn't enough. I wasn't enough."

"It's not all black and white, you know that. I'm sure she hung on as much as she could. But in the end you can't fight the alien that got inside her. It's just too strong. The fact that she stayed with you for so long shows her love for you. Her dedication for you. So please, don't ever think you're not worth it."

As Ianto broke down on his chest, Jack stroke his hair and caressed him.

"I'm sorry, I just can't stop …" Ianto silently sobbed.

"It's fine. No need to apologize for feeling like crap. If there's anyone who deserves to cry their hearts out, it's you. Let it go, Sweetheart. As long as you want and as long as you can. I'll hold you tight, as long as you want and need me to. The fight is over and now it's time to focus on you."

As Jack's body provided a warm and helping shelter for Ianto, Jack could not help but smile. His Ianto was trusting him with his deepest and most scary secrets and emotions. He felt privileged that he was the one person he'd turn to in his hour of need. With a sad frown he realized that maybe, just maybe, Ianto really didn't have anyone else but him.

Jack blinked away the tears that were threatening to fall. "You've done so much for us even though you were in such a difficult position. Let us help you now. Just cry boy, as long as you need to. I'll be here."

"Jack? Sir?"

"yeah."

"Could you tell me a story? One of the stories about aliens and other universes? Maybe the one about the planet made of ice?"

"Of course I can. Just close your eyes and listen to me. This one time I met this man called the doctor. He was a real strange man … wonderfully strange …"

As Jack spoke, he felt Ianto relax in his arms. He looked down and saw Ianto's eyes gently fluttering shut. He wasn't a religious man by far but for one little moment, he prayed that some thing would come along that was strong enough that Ianto realized that the world isn't all that bad.

Little did he know that he would be the one thing that kept Ianto Jones fighting. His constant support and guidance were just the thing that gave Ianto strength to pick himself off the floor and start living again. Maybe even one day, he'll start dreaming again.


	15. Chapter 15: Epilogue

Note: Hello all. This is it. The last chapter. I believed it sort of needed a little epilogue to show you how Ianto continues to deal with Lisa's death. It consists of three parts in three periods of his life: 8 months before Cyberwoman, 3 and 8 months after. I genuinely hope you like it :)

Lastly, I would like to thank you for being my companion on Ianto's road to recovery. Personally, this has been one hell of a ride! Because I've included Ianto's and Jack's thoughts, it just becomes so much more personal and therefor harder for me to deal with. Sometimes it felt like I was riding the rollercoaster with him!! But all of you and your constant reviewing has been this such a fun proces. So thank you ... for you constant support!

Ps: pssst! Don't forget about this fic when you vote for the Children of Time- award round 3 ...

* * *

_Epilogue_

**8 months earlier …**

"Iantoooo …"

"Ooh Iaaantooo…"

"Come on Sweetheart, get out of bed! We're going to be late!"

Ianto turned his head sideways and pouted into the pillow. "5 more minutes Lise!"

"That's what you said half an hour ago!" Lisa responded, a bit pissed but still smiling. She sat down on her boyfriend's side of the bed and stroked his hair. With a small kiss on his cheek, she whispered: "I know you like to sleep in but we HAVE to get to work."

"Why?" Ianto grumpily asked as he shifted his body to his side. "Can't we take a sick day?"

"I'd love nothing more than lounge around the house with you, baby. But we live in a fabulous apartment in center of the city and rent needs to be paid. Besides … you know I'd do ANYTHING to see you in a suit."

"Anything huh?" Ianto said, a huge grin displayed on his lips. "Define anything!"

"I'll make you toast and some tea?"

"Tea?" Ianto replied with a disgusted look on his face. "What are we? Animals? You make the toast and I'll make some coffee!"

"Whatever!" Lisa responded. "Just get your cute and bony ass out of bed!"

Ianto promptly got up and slapped Lisa's behind, eliciting a high pitched yelp from Lisa. She hurriedly grabbed his wrist and placed a kiss on his lips. "Hey … good morning."

"Morning princess." Ianto responded with a shy smile on his face. He kissed her forehead and gazed into her brown eyes. "You look beautiful."

"What?!" Lisa exclaimed. "Ianto … I'm wearing 'hello kitty' pj's, bunny slippers and my hair is a right mess."

"So?" Ianto said, shrugging his shoulders. "You always look beautiful to me."

Lisa waved the comment away but still grinned. "Shower!"

"Fine! Leave me to make breakfast!" Ianto pouted.

"I thought last night you said you'd do everything for me…"

"Yeah, last night I was pissed!" Ianto responded.

Laughter filled the apartment as they split ways, Lisa to the bathroom and Ianto to the kitchen.

10 minutes later, Lisa entered the little kitchen and was instantly hit by the gorgeous breakfast smells. She groaned loudly and rubbed her belly. "God, I'm hungry. Toast and coffee. And my gorgeous man by my side! What more could a girl want?"

"That all I am to you?" Ianto jokingly asked. "A nice piece of ass?"

"You're my everything Darling!" Lisa said as she kissed Ianto. "My absolute everything."

"Likewise…" Ianto whispered. He hugged her tightly and smiled into her wet hair.

"Baby?" Lisa apprehensively asked.

"Yeah?"

"You know I love you, right?"

"Lise, of course I know. I love you too."

"Ianto, quit laughing! I'm serious. I've got a bad feeling."

"Nothing is going to happen, okay? I'll take care of you."

"And I'll always take care of you Ianto. You should know that. But just hear me out. I want you – no, I need you to know that I think you are amazing. Truly amazing. I've never met such a sweet, considerate and sensitive guy. You're kind to children, animals and the elderly. You're great with my family and my mates. You know how to listen and you certainly make me feel like I'm floating in the sky. Never ever let anyone make you believe otherwise. Because to me … you are just beautiful. To me, you are just perfect … faults and all. I love you baby."

Ianto kissed her lovingly and passionately. "You mean the world to me."

Lisa smiled. "I know, you tell me and show it to me daily."

"Marry me."

"What?" Lisa asked quietly as her face turned pale.

"Be my wife. Stay with me forever. You're the one for me, Lise. Will you marry me?"

Lisa squealed loudly and jumped to hug him. "Of course I will! We have absolutely no money to pay for the wedding and everyone is going to think we're bonkers but of course I will marry you!!"

Ianto picked her up, spun them round and they both kissed until the need for air broke them apart. Their fingers automatically linked as if they were meant to be entwined. For a while they just gazed into each other's eyes.

"God, we're so sentimental," Lisa suddenly said as she laughed. "But I just can't stop looking at you."

Ianto laughed. "We are acting like a couple from one of those late-night-women's-channel-movies, aren't we?"

He sighed deeply. "As much as I would like to stare at you for eternity, we've got work to go to."

"Yep, I'll get dressed!"

"And I'll make a new pot of coffee. This one's gone cold. Lise … how do I look?" Ianto asked, as he twirled around in his new suit.

"You look gorgeous, baby. Just like you're dad."

"I miss him…" Ianto said quietly.

"I know you do baby. But remember I'll always be there to pick you up. Just like he was."

Ianto suddenly smiled. "Yeah! Go get dressed. I'm leaving in exactly 15 minutes and if you're not ready, I WILL leave you behind!"

Lisa covered her mouth with her hand in mock-shock. "You would do that to your fiancée?"

"Hell yeah! Besides, if we get in early then we get to leave early. Maybe there's enough time to go ring-shopping …. "

Lisa suddenly hurried to her closet, leaving a laughing Ianto behind to make new coffee.

Unfortunately, neither Ianto nor Lisa returned to the apartment and they never did get to go shopping for that ring together. Ianto however had always kept his grandparent's engagement rings in his old bedroom back in Cardiff. He always anticipated that Lisa would be the wearer of the ring. And in the end, he did slide the ring on her finger even if she wasn't conscious to really appreciate the gesture.

**3 months later …**

Ianto Jones entered the dimly lit basement inside the Hub. The same basement he had spent months caring for Lisa and sleeping by her side on the cold and dirty floor with nothing but a thin blanket to keep him warm.

He slumped to the ground and rested his painfully sore body on the floor. His face was covered in bruises, bumps and was swollen by the rough punches. He had sustained four fractured ribs and had bruised his hips, knees and god knows what else.

He buried his face in his hands and he cried.

"Hey Lisa," Ianto sobbed. "I don't know if you can hear me. But I really could use a friend right now. I really need you. We went out to the Beacons today because there were people going missing. We found a little village … with cannibals. Oh Lise, they tied me up and beat me senseless. The guy … oh god I can still feel his fingers around my neck … that knife to my jugular. He was going to do it as well. I could feel it … the hunger for murder. Lise, they were going to kill, cook and eat me! Jack came in just in time. He shot them. He saved us. He saved me."

Ianto paused for a moment. Behind him, Jack had crept up on him. He had noticed that Ianto was subdued – more than usual – when everyone around him was screaming and shouting. Softly Ianto had slipped away from the noise – his head too sore to deal with the harsh sounds - and had wandered off. The minute Jack noticed that Ianto was gone, he had ordered Owen to take the girls home and care for them there. He ran a scan on the hub to check Ianto's location. It didn't surprise him that he had chosen that place to run and hide to. The one place that had felt like home for Ianto.

Jack's face turned grim. 'Home,' he thought. 'No, that cannot be the place he calls home. I know it's the last place where he was with her but that damp and stinking cave cannot be his refuge. Not now, not ever.'

The Captain ran to Ianto's aid, scared and not knowing what he might find.

He stood at the doors and quietly listened in on Ianto's conversation with Lisa. For a second, he hoped she would somehow answer back because the heartbreak that was so present in his voice was enough to make the strong Captain crumble.

"It's so bad Lise, I wish you were here. I'm so scared and hurting. And I miss you. God how I miss you. Everyone keeps saying that it gets better … but it's not. I'm still missing you so much. Want to know something really bad? When he held that knife to my throat … I really didn't know if I should be scared. I know you'd curse at me for feeling this way. I know you'd want me to survive. But I don't know Lise, I really don't know if I want to live or die. I want both and neither. Am I horrible for wanting to die and be with you? Am I horrible for wanting to live and be apart from you? Lise, I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. I just need you!"

Jack shifted his weight from one leg to another. He covered his face with both hands and inhaled deeply as he tried to steady his emotions. Instead, he was overwhelmed by the stench of blood on his hands. Grimly, he stared at his bloodied hands … his hands were covered with the blood of his friends. His friends – and Ianto. He did not know what Ianto was to him, but the boy got under his skin. He valued his friendship and loyalty. Since Lisa, Ianto had slowly started to trust Jack with his secrets. Jack had been a rock, always being there when he needed him. Because he knew the truth. Ianto had given up everything to try and save Lisa. And in the process, he had lost most his friends and family. So Jack stepped up and took care of him because as much as Ianto was to blame for betraying the team, Jack was also to blame for not paying enough attention to Ianto's state of mind. If he had just took the time to talk to him properly, he would've noticed something was wrong. But he didn't. So, out of obligation and loyalty, he raised his game and started to behave like the friend Ianto needed and deserved. And slowly but steadily, his confidence and trust in Ianto grew as well.

The words that were tumbling out of Ianto's mouth were therefore not really surprising to Jack but it still hurt to hear his suspicions confirmed. He looked up and stared at Ianto's beaten and tear-stained face.

A single tear rolled down Jack's cheek because he knew that look – a look of pure desperation and anxiety. The same look that had graced his own features far too many times.

Ianto hugged his body in an attempt to relieve his painfully throbbing chest. "I miss you and I miss your love. There's no one really. Jack's there for me … I know that. But I also know he has got far worse things to worry and deal with. He's been so good to me, Lise. In other circumstances you'd like him. Well you'd hate him at first because you'd find his charm obnoxious."

Ianto laughed and the sound eerily echoed around the room as if it was forbidden. "But you'd adore him at the same time. I know you. You'd definitely fall for him."

A small silence passed and Jack was compelled to enter the room. But Ianto spoke again and he froze on the spot.

"I wonder if anyone will ever love me again. Probably not, who could love a monster like me. I'm probably being punished for something. Not saving you, not saving that girl from that hoix in my first week at Torchwood London, for betraying the team. Any reason will do, I guess. And the list is endless."

Ianto started crying again and he put his head on his knees as he hugged his legs. "I miss you …"

Silently Jack entered the room and sat by his side. He put his arm over Ianto's shoulder and urged him to lean against him. Immediately sensing Jack's presence, Ianto buried his face in Jack's chest, silently sobbing his broken heart out.

"Shht, it's okay. The bad men are gone. I've got you. I'll keep you safe, as long as I can."

"Jack…" Ianto sobbed.

"Shht … It's fine. Go ahead and cry. You've had one hell of a day. I've got you. Lean on me."

**8 months later …**

"Hurry up!" Jack yelled at Ianto. The Captain stood in front of a little flower garden filled with white, red and yellow roses. He waved at Ianto in the distance.

As soon as the young archivist had spotted Jack, he broke into a run and caught up with the boss in no time. At his arrival, Ianto surprised Jack by spontaneously pulling the older man into a hug and placing a big kiss on his lips.

"I haven't even given you your surprise yet!" Jack exclaimed, a bit taken aback by Ianto's frivolity.

"What? I can't kiss my lover?" Ianto responded, shyly blushing.

"Anytime Sunshine!"

"So what IS this big surprise?" Ianto asked.

"This is it." Jack said as he waved at the little garden. "This is for you."

"For me? But why on earth …" Ianto started asking but his face paled quickly when he saw a little wooden sign in the middle of it. The sign wad hand painted white, red and yellow rosettes on them and in the middle of it, there was two words: for Lisa.

Jack cleared his throat. "I know how hard it's been for you these last couple of months."

"Jack, I …"

"Let me say this. Please, I want to do this right." Jack said. "It's been tough but you're pulling through. You're getting stronger day after day and you are growing into the man I knew you could be. I've always seen this person in you, Ianto. And it kills me that you had to go through so much bullshit before he could come out. No pun intended."

Ianto laughed heartily but his eyes were starting to well up.

"Ianto, you've made me proud. So proud. And this … this is for you. I know how much you hate the fact that Lisa had to spent her last days in that horrible place. I also know you frequently visit that cellar, even though you think I don't know. You treat it like her grave and I respect that. I respect and acknowledge that you need to have it. But that poor girl was a victim of Torchwood. Albeit not our Torchwood. But still kind of our responsibility. And if I couldn't save her, I can at least make sure her loved ones have a nice place to go to. This is my gift to you. A little place to call hers. Not in that damp cave but out here in the sunshine. Where she belongs. She shouldn't be hidden in the dark like she did all those months but she should rest in this beautiful and peaceful little garden, out here in the sunlight."

"Jack … this is beyond words … it's just … perfect. How did you know roses were her favorite flower?"

"I saw the roses you bought for her. Every single day a red rose on your desk. Even though you get hay fever."

Ianto swallowed audibly. "Has anyone ever told you that you are amazing?"

"I believe you told me once or twice last night …" Jack responded as he wiggled his eyebrows.

"Seriously Jack, thank you. For this, for your friendship and for the last months. You've been amazing to me."

"As have you Ianto …"

Jack leant in and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek. Ianto moved in closer and snuggled next to him, pulling him into a hug.

"You okay?" Jack asked as he wiped a tear from Ianto's cheek.

"Yes, I am. I am just that Jack. I'm okay. I'm not fine. I still miss her and I'm still grieving but I'm okay. I never even thought I'd get to say that."

Together they stood in front of that little garden with their fingers entwined as the sunrays lit up their smiling faces. Jack looked at Ianto and returned the smile that the younger man was giving him. He grinned and his heart skipped a beat. He hadn't seen Ianto smile in such a long time it felt like a mystery unraveling itself.

And Jack liked it a lot. He always did think Ianto looked his most beautiful when he smiled.


End file.
